Learning Life
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2010-06-30 03:40:55 (UTC)

My first meeting

So tonight was my first meeting in the steps to dealing
with an alcoholic. I didn't say anything but
I felt as if my words were being said. My most hateful,
desperate, hopeful thoughts were being told to me. It was
such a small group full of older individuals that were all
searching for the same answers. Only problem is some are
looking for the answer and some already know the important
part is the question. Why do I let this affect me? I
wouldn't let a stranger come up to me and make me have a
bad day. So why would I let my husband. He does not
determine my happiness. I do. I feel right now that I am
trying to convince myself of this. That it doesn't ring
true with me at the moment. It makes me restless which I am
thinking is hope. I want to get started right away but I am
running in place until I get a foot hold. I just haven't
found my foothold yet. During the meeting and recently I
keep thinking that I depend on him too much for my
emotions. I ask how he is and I always try to gauge his
mood before I commit to my own mood. The first step is
admit you have a problem or in this case that I cannot
control him or depend on him for my own well-being. The
next step I have to find my Higher Power. I don't think He
is the same as everyone else's idea. He didn't do this to
me. I chose this to learn my life's lesson. He is just
there to hold my hand and nod with reassurance. He is here
to give me support on this path I have chosen. I'm crying
right now and I have no idea why. Maybe somewhere deep
inside I know the rough road isn't over. That it has only
just begun but I have lost so much. I hope I will never
forget He is there and not the cause of my troubles. I
don't want to sound preachy but He is a loose term for me
where others view Him as God, a large but tangible entity.
He, for me, can be a breeze against a hot cheek or the
feeling you get when you take a deep breath and just "are".
I think these meetings will help me when I am willing to
help myself instead of others. I already see a major change
in my husband but only because he wanted that change for
himself. Just as I am not responsible for his alcoholic
ways I am not responsible for his sobriety. The next
meeting is on Friday. I am looking forward to it but with a
tinge of apprehension. What am I going to find out? How is
my life going to change? Will I learn my life lessons?