firend that I tell everything
2010-06-25 13:50:49 (UTC)

My situation, right now.

well in 3 days will be the day I told my best friend I had a
crush on her.
I don't know why I keep the days. I have no idea. It was
when I told her I had a crush, and maybe I would had one
back. it was on the park. The park where everything started.
The park where I feel for her. The park wher ewe would go
get some take away food and eat there. The park were we
walked there after a long art exam. The park were we would
go with all our best friends sit there and talk. And the
park where she told me " I'm not a lesbian" on my face,
trying to say she doesn't love me back. what am I saying?,
love?, no way I'm still young there no such thing. I meant

I told her I don't like her anymore. But sometimes... I do
and sometimes I just want to hit her. PUNCH someone really
hard. But she just makes it hard.

Right now. I just see her as a good friend.

After all this time. When she " Used me" to get closer to my
twin brother. To be able to see my brother. To be able to go
to my house, talk to him, look at him, think of him, have
this "fairytale" with him. While I'm looking...

I should be angry. because she just used me. she thought, if
i can make her my best friend and make me her best friend
then i can go to her house when ever I want and see him.

I cried, and tried to scream for hours. Since my brother was
on the next room. He could hear me if I screamed.., and
cried loudly. I went to the bathroom and cried under the
shower while at the same time my tears would fill the bath
completely. I closed the shower tap. and breathed in deeply
and put my head under the water and hold my breath. The only
thing I could hear was ny heart beat. Does few second made
me think. I'm pathetic, how didn't I realise she was using
me. after many breath in. I told myself.. ofcouse i wouldn't
notice because I was under the spell of my beutiful best

At that moment for hours. I hated with all my strength. I
despised her. I told my other bestfriend how i felt. but I
didn't tell her i was crying. i was just pissed. After I saw
my beutiful best friend online. And she talked to me. And i
talked to her back. after a couple of minutes. She said "
you sound pissed". at that moment I really wanted to tell
her evrything, why was I pissed. But i didnt i said " I'm
just tired, I'm just not in the mood to really talk and be
happy at this moment" , she told me back " ok , you can
always tell me everything I'm always there for you, just
tell me when you want to talk and we'll talk". After that my
mood just changed. I ' told myself I wont talk to her, I
wont hug her, I wont kiss her on the cheeck, I won't say hi
to her, neither bye and goodnight.

Since I knw myself, Ofcourse i said hi, good morning. But
that's it. I didnt say anything else. I only answered If she
asked me something to me or somehting like that. of couse
she noticed, i mean she is my best friend and im one of
hers... but i didnt said anything. and the next day. BAM!
evrything normal.

except. After the day I told her i liked her. she wasn't
that hyper, or happy, or talkative with me.

And 3 days ago. She noticed and she said sorry. I had a
sleep over at her house... and everything was weird.

we were in bed. It was aroung 4 in the morning. And she
asked if i love my twin brother.. I told her " Sometimes I
hate him, his just this random guy living in my house, a guy
that i see veryday in my life, for 16 years, we just talk
about videogames and thing like that, we never talk about
crush,love, feelings and thing like that...and then i said
but i love him.", she then asked my why I liked her. and I
told al this things. such as " you were the only thing why i
waked in the morning, why I was alive, she was the hting she
kept me alive". After a huge pause of silent. I started
crying silently. and of course she noticed. She said, to cry
now... And well after some talk... I said : cut the crap" i
huged her and she grabbed me and put my head on her chest
and I cried. she rubed my head. she kissed my forhead and
she huged me tightly and she said everything is goign to be
ok. After long minutes I was still in the same position. I
could hear her heart beat decreasing...I never such a
wonderful thing in my lfe. It wasn't like other peoples
heartbeat. It was as if I could hear everything. EVERYThing.
I closed my eyes. And I nearlyl fell asleep....

At that moment i loved her so much. and the next
day well we acted as if it never happened. And still thisd
ay as if it never happened. And i dont like her...

anyways Im off now... I'll talk to you later,