Festina cum Deus
To the next step...I only hope it's the right one....
I sit now, outside in the middle of the night, on the back
wood deck with my laptop, the moon out bright in the sky,
illuminating the shadows of the world, giving things that
eatheral glow that only twilight can do.
I was recently told by my parents they are looking to move
to Alabama, and soon. (fyi, I'm 30. hit some rough patches
and just moved home....only to find this out)....
The employment position I'm in is hardly enough for me to
hope to stay here and scrape by, it's just an
impossibility right now. I love the job, and eventually,
after a few years, could it be something that could afford
me to be able to live off of it alone, but right now, it's
not the someday. It's the NOW, and I need to consider this.
All my friends. I never had lots of friends. Could name em
off of 1 hand all or most of my life. Within the last year
of my life, I've come to know a good 100 or so people who
I'd give a huge chunk of my life to at any moment. People
who I expected to be in their weddings, and grow life long
with, to be there on those nights when you're needed in
person and not by phone or through a text. And that is
going to be 3000 miles apart.
I didn't expect, less than a month ago, that within the
months time ahead, I didn't know that I was going to be
saved, and then Baptized in the Holy Spirit, and that's
been a really (obviously) crucial thing for me. I mean,
here I am, ready to walk away from it all back @ the
beginning of may, and now, not only have I found him and
he's Got me, I'm now tasked with making for a considerable
amount of time anyway, a life altering decision. I mean
one that will have repercussions for years.
Let's say I go to Alabama and I like it....oops wait,
forgot to give a bit of info on why it's Alabama.
So, my father, last year, made contact with long lost
family relatives, over or near to 40 years ago was the
last time there was any type of knowledge or contact. He
and my mother went and spent a few weeks there, and fell
in love with the place.
They believe it would be a good thing for me, to get out
of California, once and for a while anyway, and get a
fresh chance to start things over.
I think of all the sadness, pain, and despair that's taken
place here. Things in my past that tore me apart, but
that's another time, another person. I know I'm with
Christ now(and yeah I have no fear of mentionng that a
gazillion times-My souls' allegiance(sp?) lie with Christ.
But, yes, it's another story from a me who no longer is
there. It's kind of like Morgan Freeman in Shawshank, when
he finally explains to the Parole Board that he'd love to
tell the young punk kid what to do and how to fix things,
but that person is so far gone away from him it's no
longer a possibility.
I lost a lot of things in California. I've burned a lot of
bridges with people, made rash, ignorant, sometimes plain
idiotic life moves, and I managed to be egaged twice to
two women whom I didn't love, and eventually dumped a
third and really did a number on myself.
The thing that gives those brief moments credence, is b/c
of the fact that I'd not be where I am now if those
events, and everything beforer it and after it, weren't
destined to be.
There's no way in my path I was on at that time that I
would have been drawn to, considered the idea of, or even
thought it was worth a shot to save my soul and give in to
(I realize suddenly I am getting heavy spiritual/faithy
right now, not sure why but obviously it pertains)
I think what I'm saying is that now I can no longer just
choose for me. I mean, I'm not in charge of myself
anymore. I've shown that when I'm in charge of myself I've
really done a number on this body, soul, and spirit.
What Jesus/God gives to me in return for my submission is
the abilit to make the choices based on what I feel would
honor him best. WhenI'm paying attention to things, or if
I'm really on the ball with being open with him all day
long, then stuff goes right.
It's when I'm not open with him, that's when I know I
screw up. It's something in our human hearts that seems to
covet its desires only, and just wants more of the same,
kind of like an unkept animal, needing to feed at any
time, no fear or worry of amount or size, willing to just
eat and eat.
I satiated a lot of my life. I gave in to many many
things, and now, now not even a full 2 weeks since giving
my life over to Christ, he presents me with the options of
making a life altering decision.
One that he knows right now I"m afraid to do....I want to
say yes, but starting over in life can be scary,
especially at 30....
But seeing as how this year, I just did the ultimate act
of starting over by being baptized, should give me faith
that whatever is in store, I can take it and I know he's
with there with me.
I do have to talk to him more about this, see what is
what.....but it's a really scary thing right now. He's
given me the choice to make the choice.....I only wish to
make the one that honors him best by being what's designed