MeL

My CPT
2010-06-24 05:29:34 (UTC)

the 180 degree

i see hearts being broken and mended all around me. I see
guys pursuing girls by gifts and flowers...that in some
cases gets left un-thought of. i see girls lying awake at
night, wondering when the next time she would hear from him
again. constant anticipation, excitement, joy, waiting, let
downs, heartbreaks...you get the idea

The joy of dating
-being swept off of your feet without knowing
-the world and time seems to revolve so quickly, yet you are
so tuned into another that all the time in the world can be
so little
-that smile that creeps unknowingly on your face as you see
a text message marked with his name
-for that millisecond that he reaches in and gathers you up
close, you feel your stomach sink...a feeling closely
described as a roller coaster drop
-the way he he's so concerned if you are ok
-when he looks at you in the eye....everything around you is
blocked out
-the way he waits for you to catch up, and holds your hand
-when he teases you
-when he shared his intimate thoughts with you
-when he can't keep his hands off you

The pain of dating
-waiting by the phone for him to call, but the call never comes
-the kind eyes and smiling face has been replaced by a
suspicious look
-how he walks ahead of you
-how he hardly looks at you in the eye
-swearing to yourself that you will never get your heart
broken again
-when he no longer say nice things anymore
-the tone of voice seems to just change
-when he no longer wants anything from you
-when you realize that 3 years had gone by...you need to get
over it

so my question is...why did he change the way he treated me?
is it because i didn't show interest in first? i was just
scared to have my heart broken again. i needed time for
myself, and it wasn't a good time for me to start dating
again after i had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5
years! i needed to heal and recover...i needed to offer my
next boyfriend a clean new slate...a healthy me. not one
that is shattered. i know he liked me, and i was a little
interest also. things just couldn't work out. he goes to
school up north and i frankly can't "casually date". But he
always came in and out of my life through out the years.
every time he came it was like i had induce myself with some
kind of drug. he would give me the feeling of being so high
when i am around him, but when he leaves without a
trace...i'm left with a big fat hangover. he wouldn't even
call the next day, week, but eventually when months drifted
i would get that text. that casual "what are you doing?"
kind of text that gets me dancing on my toes, and heart
racing...racing...racing until the moment i realize that my
car is pulling up to wherever he and his friends were for
the night. I don't really snap back into my senses of
reality until i am back in my car...driving...alone...home.
realizing that he wouldn't even text...not mention call, to
see if i made it home okay. but this is the cycle i've been
in. constant ups and downs; episodes of him hits me out of
the blues, and he would leave me with days to wind down from
it.

i know i need to get out...i don't know what it is about
him. i should never let him in!! i was so
cautious...especially with him...but how did he get in?? i
can't believe i let me guards down!! i know i need to stop
what i'm doing though...but i don't know how. it's just he
turned so quickly so abruptly. one moment he cared, the
next he didn't. somewhere along the line i liked him way
more than he liked me. when we realize this...he just
started being what i can closely describe as cold. pure
cold. i sense resentment...i don't know how he feels. what
i did wasn't bad at all...it wasn't my fault. i was never
unfaithful...even though faith isn't what he asked for at
all. i just need to know...he needs to tell me. y the
change? do people just change and forget to tell one
another? how could he be so mean? if he wanted to get rid
of me, y does he continue to do the things he do?...is it
just to be nice...when really all he wants is sex? i don't
believe he's like that...i mean, yeah all men are like
that..they love sex...but i don't believe he is that kind of
guy.

i can babble on, and yet all this seems repetitious because
it goes on in my head quite often. but in the end...i just
need to know. i rather know than not knowing. until
then...i'll just be waiting..for what i don't really know.
he's not coming.. and definitely not with answers.




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