All that is
Ad 2:
2010-06-24 03:37:38 (UTC)

ben's cause

ben text me today, out of nowhere. it's now the 23rd of
June. the last time we saw eachother was the 28th or 29th
of may. the last time we actually texted was 12 days ago
from now, after much work on my part. the prick. fucking
how dare he come back into my life when i'm making sound
progress in getting over that stint. getting over another
useless encounter. what i thought was going to be the real
deal perhaps. i have some questions for myself though...

are my feelings for all these people who i so seemingly
easily become enarmoured by, real, or have i just
projected my obsession and longing for being in love onto
them? they say that when that person comes along, you just
know. you just feel it. its intuition. and i suppose if i
have to question if they are that person or not, then
maybe they're not, right? but then again that feeling
of 'knowing' doesnt just come immediately. people say that
after ages of being together or going out, there was
something that this person did or does that made them
know. but my point is that with all these people - ben
anderson, alec, chris, ben conway... i guess ive had some
kinda doubts in my mind about how well we connected or
whatever. you cant try to force that connection or feign
it (a la ben anderson) cos it will not sustain.. its
something that should feel effortless and comfortable and
just lovely i suppose. you should be sure of their wanting
to be with you and in your company, and not constantly
have to question their intentions or long-term motives
etc. and with all of these people, I did all these things
at some point early on. you should not have to feel that
if you don't initiate something you might not hear from
them. you should feel the warmth and comfort of the
security of knowing that they are going to reach out to
you and that they want to. That feeling of knowing that
the object of your affection is enarmoured by the person
that you are, is something that every woman should be
entitled to. unfortunately i've felt none of this,
sincerely from any of these men. maybe alec, but i was
proven wrong.. and perhaps ben anderson that first night,
we met and the few days that followed, but first
impressions are inaccurate and i was proven wrong there
too. So i guess i'm saying that I havent found 'the
person' yet, and I haven't 'missed' them either, e.g. I
haven't been granted a chance with them, (any of these
guys mentioned above), by the powers that be, only to
screw it up. it is still to come, 5, 10 15 yrs from now.
lets just hope it's more between the 5-10 yr mark rather
than 15. It's probably one of the main reasons I have a
love for interior design. When i see an image of
beautifully composed interior, i'm filled with fantasies
of perfection in my own sense, of what it is to be
beautiful, complete and secure. It's connotations for me
are of Love, Family, Harmony.

So this ben thing. it didnt work out. now he's texted me
again saying 'hey, sorry, i'm dead to everyone while the
world cup's on, haha..., i found your locket by the
way...' (no kiss at the end.. or questioning of how i am
for that matter)

so because i'm neurotic as shit, i'm thinking of what the
no kiss sign could mean. I shouldnt care i know. I hate
the way he's treated me. he's not even that good looking.
i don't know why i found him so attractive.. so anyway

1. no kiss could mean - he's found my locket and obviously
wants to give it back, feeling its a duty or whatever..
but he doesnt want me to take it as hope that there's
still a chance with us, or doesnt want to entertain any
romantic feelings.

2. no kiss or asking after my well being could mean - why
bother with any show of affection or concern, after not
calling or texting for so long? cos it would just seem way

my instinct are conflicting. so are what i want to believe
or dont want to believe. it's like i'm at a cross road. Do
I abandon ben's cause and carry on moving on as I'd been
doing, or do i take a step or two backwards and explore
what could still be? I dunno. i wanted to be treated with
respect. not like the way he treated me. he hasn't
bothered to apologise profusely, or anything - no apparent
effort's been made to attempt sway me. so i guess this
points to the conclusion that he's just not that into me.

i haven't lived, i've never loved, i've never been loved.

bottom line he's been a grade A prick. and he shouldn't
get to recover from that title easily. i was hurt.