i have coffee mugs, the handles of which get burning hot
when you heat up coffee in the microwave. i don't think
that there is a better example of an epic fail. the one
point of a mug is that the handle keeps your hand from
having to touch the hot cup. if the handle doesn't work,
you might as well just have a juice cup.
anyhow, i'm austrian. and in true stereotypical form, i
absolutely hate inefficiencies. working for a large
corporation, i could go through that place with a machete
slicing and dicing away inefficiencies. for example: we
lease 3 floors. now you can talk me into maybe two floors
for security purposes, so that one floor accepts guests and
the second floor has the high level people. but three
floors? and the worst blasphemy of it all is that none of
the 3 floors is completely filled! there are empty
cubicles. consolidate 2 floors into one and fire about 30
people. starting with the guy who "manages" our "going
green" campaign. get the fuck outta here with your weekly
updates on the "greenery." i hope you're doing that shit
but let's talk about honest to goodness inefficiency. i
have two case examples.
Case # 1: the gym at my former law school has decided to be
a bitch and charge me now that i've graduated. not only is
that a kick in the ass what with all the money i handed them
for my education, but the process itself was insane.
first, i got an application to apply for an alumni
membership. then i turned that application in. the (very)
hot girl at the counter said:
"oh that's our OLD application. this is our NEW one."
"i didn't know there was a new one."
"yeah we're really bad at telling people about it."
so i filled it out in front of her.
"do you have your referral from the alumni department?"
bitch you said what?
"well go to the alumni office and get that first."
of course nowhere in the insructions does it say this. so i
drive over to the alumni office.
"hi i need a referral for the gym membership."
"do you have your alumni #?"
"your alumni #"
"don't you guys have that?"
"no we're the alumni DEPARTMENT" she said as if she were
speaking to a brain-dead moron, "your SCHOOL is responsible
for issuing and verifying your alumni #."
so i went to the law school and got my #, walked back to the
alumni office, got my referral and went BACK to the hot girl
at the counter.
"great!!!!" she said enthusiastically, why she was so
enthusiastic that i already moved through the turnstil to
start my workout,
"wooooooooooooooooooooooah! wait a second!" she cocked her
head to the side in that valley girl way, "you're not done
yeeeeeeeeet! first you need to complete the registration!"
so i sat with derek, the head of gym registrations, he kind
of reminded me of brad pitt's character in "burn after
reading" (great movie by the way). after that was completed
he tore a receipt off for me,
"now take this to the card issuing office, they will issue
you an alumni card for the gym."
Case #2: district court in a buck-fuck county. i took this
case cos it was good money (i eventually one it on a motion
rather than needign to go to trial). the buck-fuck county
of course was tight on its budget so this is what i went
through to find a simple sheet of paper that had to be
appended to all motions noted for a hearing date.
"hello, district court of buck-fuck county."
"hi, i was wondering if you guys had a template for the note
for motion hearing notice?"
"i'm sorry we can't answer questions over the phone due to
i was dumb-founded...why did she even pick up?
"okay, but i was just wondering really quickly as it's about
a 45 min drive for me..."
"SIR, WE CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS OVER THE PHONE, NOW PLEASE
COME DOWN HERE IN PERSON!"
what i don't get is, how are they saving money by NOT
answering a question over the phone? why do they answer it?
so i drive the freakin' 45 mins down there.
of course the clerk of hte court was out at 10:45 for her
"morning break" whatever the fuck that is. considering
court opens at 9:30, it shouldn't be too long.
45 mins later at 11:30 she comes back licking what appears
to be the remnants of a sticky bun off her her chubby fingers.
"excuse me, where can i find the 'notice for motion hearing'
she stared at me with the look of death. how dare this
brash young man talk without being spoken to?
i dont' think anyone could have turned around slower than
she did. it was downright ridiculous. then she stared at
me coldly for two more mins. then,
"the notice for motion hearing, that needs to be appended
pursuant to rule 4(c)."
i definitely caught a roll of the eye there,
"can you show me an example of what you're looking for?"
"THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR AN EXAMPLE!!!!" i said, WAY too
loudly and WAY too brashly...the security guard at the door
the clerk popped out of her sticky bun haze. all of a
sudden she was lucid and on her game.
"oh i don't handle those. that's charnette."
she motioned over the VERY PERSON WHO TOLD ME TO WAIT FOR 45
"charnette, could you direct this young man to the template
"oh sure," charnette said with an angelic voice as if i
hadn't been waiting here for the past 45 mins...where was
this sing-song demeanor then when i asked for it?
and of course, to kcik me in the balls while down, charnette
pulls the sheet of paper from out of a drawer right at the
top of the desk. it was literally under my nose the entire
inefficiency. what a bitch.