Long ass Conference Call
i am on a conference call gone long. it's 6 in the fucking
pm and these assholes can't get to the point. right now i'm
listening with one ear as buzzwords zip by, "facilitate",
"utilize", and my favorite: "proactive paradigm."
what i also have going on is a webcam. no not the type
you're thinking about! this gives me a "live" feed from my
doggie daycare upon which i can watch my dog play with other
dogs. "live" because it's not a steady stream, rather it
seems like a sequence of pictures with about a 5 sec time
lapse. either way, that's what's happening over here.
now if you've ever had the thought, "hey, i have an hour and
a half before my next meeting, why don't i just go on down
to the dmv and get my address updated" you should be weary.
i had planned to show up at the dmv at 8:30 right when they
opened, but of course that got bounced back and then i still
had to bring my dog to the aforementioned doggie daycare.
this of course led me to the perverse logic that 9:30 is
actually a better time to get there because by then all of
the morning rush would be out of the way. get the fuck
serious. now i was not only behind the morning rush, but
also those dumbfucks who couldn't even make it to the
i was so close, maybe 21 numbers away from mine when i saw
that it was 10:30 by my count. fuck, had to leave to make
after that though i made a second attempt, i got number 337,
they were on 321...holla! and boy did it move quickly, and
then as it got to 334...335...i noticed a sign at one of the
counters: "check or cash only"
of course this was the one time i didn't have cash on me
(cuz who the fuck really carries a checkbook anymore
anyways?). why can't the fucking government accept cards?
i dont' care if there is some legal bullshit redtapping it,
get it done!!!
anyhow, i had to give up my spot and chug to an atm. i then
returned with $20 (stupid i know) and got back in line.
this time the line moved hella quick. i was up there in no
time and proudly presented my case.
"that'll be $25."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
i gave the dmv lady the most beautiful doe eyes but nothing
worked. for a second, just a split second i thought there
would be some compassion but then her voice trailed off to:
"there's an atm through the forest there."
the forest. we live in a city.
so i made the trek. got scared nearly to death when i got
too close to a savage dog on the other side of a chainlink
fence. and finally got back to, coinicidentally the same
girl who had sent me forth on my trek.
"oh, the dog didn't get ya did it? i always forget to warn
people about the dog!"
she actually looked genuinely concerned so i reassured her
that, although my nuts did pop into the pit of my stomach
for a second, i was alright.
all in all i got a license with a picture that doesn't make
me look like an axe murderer. i look like a psycopathic
clown in my old one. the photographer, right before he
snapped the picture said, "keep your chin down" and by doing
so i have a really elongated face that is hidden with
shadows...i also have a maniacal smile.
so yeah, at least i look respectable on my license, cos lord
knows i sometimes sure don't in real life.