Aries13

Last Resort
2010-06-22 20:23:03 (UTC)

Alcohol

Such a simple title, but not a simple subject. I have
just started going to Al-anon meetings because it has
become evident that my boyfriend has a drinking problem.
So why am I in Al-anon? To deal with him? To help our
relationship? So I don't go crazy with worry and so I can
stop obsessing about the status of "us" and get back to my
life?

Well, yes to all of those questions, obviously. And so
much more. Like many, alcohol became part of my life in
high school, but was introduced to me at a very early
age. I remember how excited I would get when my dad would
let me take a sip of his beer. It was always some nasty
beer too, like Old Milwaukee or MGD High Life. But I
loved it. I loved the taste, the bubbly, for MGD is the
champagne of beers you know? Then it evolved to my mom
letting me drink Bartles & James wine coolers at family
functions when it was too sweet for her to drink. Then it
was my neighbor and I stealing small bits of various
liquors from my parent's liquor cabinet and mixing it with
grape juice and getting drunk. (A tasty mix of vodka, rum
and gin...YUMMY? ICK!) I think we were 13 or 14 at the
time.

The first time I got really drunk I was 14. I drank a
pint of Jose Cuervo by myself, was out of control and
loved it. And so it began. High school was a mixture of
being good and straight, then I would go through bouts of
drinking with "friends" to be cool. Cliche, huh? Then we
moved my junior year, and by my senior year I was hanging
out with people who drank and smoked pot, and that was my
norm. That's when it was integrated into my life, and
became a mainstay.

I was a typical college student, I suppose, well, typical
for the people I hung around with. Drank and smoked pot
every day. Barely graduated. A very different experience
than what my parents had anticipated. Being their "smart"
child and convinced I would one day be a lawyer at a very
young age, you can imagine their surprise (and mine) when
I barely graduated, with a GPA of 2.6. A GPA I never
would have received in my earlier years. But I told
myself that I still graduated while having fun and
experimenting and letting myself go. Something most of my
friends did, but some were able to do with much better
control and discipline.

There was a brief stint of my life where alcohol was not a
factor. My health and my job were the most important
things to me, and alcohol was, in my mind, considered
evil. Those were the best days of my life when I look back
on it now. I was confident, healthy and happy. Then
things changed, I quit my job, I moved to Chicago and I
was back with my friends and dating someone who was an
alcoholic. It took hold of me again. I gained 20 lbs
within 3 months, and thus started my ongoing battle with
depression. Since then I have struggled with my weight,
my drinking, my smoking and depression and happiness. It
has been 6 years.

I decided to move to Denver to be healthier and to get
back on track. I found though that the people I
gravitated towards were the ones who would do happy hours
after work, who would get wasted and do shots and thats
what my social life has encompassed ever since. Yet, the
guilt, the remorse of drinking was ever present, and used
as a means to beat myself up. A way to hate myself,
because quite honestly, that has always been a part of who
I am.

I met my boyfriend only 4 short months ago, at a time
where I was making a lot of positive changes in my life,
but the changes were just starting to manifest and were
not completely solidified. We met, and became serious
almost instantly. With all of his attributes also come
addictions. He smokes, chews and drinks. All of this he
told me at first, and I refused to end things with someone
who was such a wonderful person strictly because of
behaviors I didn't think would influence me. Since I too
had struggled so much with my own drinking, his self-
proclamation of being an alcoholic I felt was in line with
my own concerns on the topic. Well, through a series of
events, he moved in with me after 2 months of dating, and
thus began the chaos and drama that has since filled my
life for the past 2 months.

His drinking is a problem. I would find little empty
bottles of vodka, the ones you get on planes, in the
garbage can. Or an empty 500 mL of whiskey in his coat
pocket. He would get argumentative, and sensitive, and we
would fight. He would call me names, say rude things to
me, then in the morning say he was sorry and how much he
loved me. My drunk boyfriend is the Mr. Hyde to his
sober Dr. Jekkyl. I realized that his drinking was much
worse than mine, and living with it got too much for me.
I became obsessed with the relationship, stressed out,
having to take care of everything. I picked up smoking.
Picked up fighting with him. Dropped taking care of
myself. It was all too much. I got into therapy, which
was initially to help me overcome my low self-esteem and
get back to being happy and healthy. But the sessions
increasingly became more about him and our relationship
and his drinking than anything else. That is when my Dr.
suggested I go to Al-anon. A suggestion I initially
dismissed.

Then, one night, after we had decided to try to control
our drinking, he got wasted. And again, he was mean and
cruel, I said I couldn't live this way, he ended the
relationship, said some more cruel things then passed
out. In the morning, as usual, he crawled into bed,
cuddled next to me and apologized for getting so drunk.
This time, it wasn't enough. I told him that he had ended
things, and that he obviously cannot control the drinking,
and that I refused to live in the situation any longer.
Neither of us have had a drink since.

The next night I went to my first Al-anon meeting, scared,
frustrated, lonely, I wasn't sure if I needed to be there
or not. But I kept going. I found a meeting I can go to
on my lunch break at work. I love the people there, felt
instantly at home, and through this group I have come to
realize some very shocking and important facts about my
life.

1. I am surrounded by alcohol. My social life, my family,
my friends, previous guys and now my boyfriend. They all
have this one thing in common.

2. Even though my drinking is strictly socially based, it
still has a power over me when I am in the environment.
And as a result I beat myself up over it.

3. The happiest moments of my life have never included
alcohol.

4. There are people in this world who live their lives
sober, free of this disease, and do so happily. I want to
experience that way of life.

5. I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and
its presence in my life, and as a result of it my life has
become unmanageable and does not resemble at all what I
ever envisioned for myself.

I have good days and bad days. There are days I feel like
I don't belong to Al-anon. But I go. And when I go on
those days I feel like I get more out of the meetings then
when I go on the days I feel out of control and
psychotic. I hate feeling like a drama queen, or like a
tourist, because honestly, there are people in the group
that deal with much heavier issues than what I deal with.

But, what I realized today and have to continue to
realize, is that it has been a constant part of my life.
And the fact that it has been, is in fact, NOT normal. I
will have to avoid certain friends and activities, which
makes me scared and lonely and sad, especially since I am
not ready to share this with many people, so this
isolation to many will not make sense. But its what I
have to do. All of my life I have done things for other
people to make them happy, thinking that would make me
happy. But not now. I may have started this for Tom, but
I'm continuing it for me. He's only one part of this
equation. I just need to take this, as they say, one day
at a time.




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