Kitten

Confessions of madness
2010-06-21 18:55:46 (UTC)

Oh right.

So basically since i was 11 i have had manic depression. Its
been really bad for years then it went away and for the last
couple of years i have just had to deal with it on and off.
This last year has been such a struggle with my mother
trying to kill herself and being admitted into the mental
ward three times within in the last 6 months but ive
managed to keep my depression reasonably okay. Only with a
few rough patches like finding out when i had mild
skitzophrenia due to guilt, anxiety and repression. But as
ive discovered, it is still alive and kicking.
J told me she'd hate me if me and Sixx started dating, and
then later on sent a message saying that her brothers
girlfriend saw us kissing so i obviously didn't care about her.
People keep telling me that if she was a good friend she'd
get over it, but not J. What she knows is all she knows. She
wont listen to anything else and to her the situation is
that i like her Ex, and she doesn't want anyone else to have
him incase she wants him back which isn't gunna happen
because to her he hurt her really bad and to be honest, Sixx
hates her guts.
But either way my alto-ego doesn't care. She will do
whatever she can to help me committ suicide and she won't
leave me alone till i do. She constantly shouts into my ear
and frankly she is a complete headache.
As i should point out, Fox is me. For every fake name i have
used for everyone i have known for my diary, this one is
real. Fox is me. Me when i was younger. Once apon a time Fox
was my nickname, then after my soulmate died, she evolved
into a complete being and ever since he died, she has hated
me for still being alive without him. So now whenever she
can she screams at me to do stupid things. She tries to get
me to break up with friends, makes me hurt people and
myself. Ive seen people for her but according to them, im
fine because i can understand where she came from and what
she is. They just see her as an extra friend in my head.
Im very close to suicide, not because of J, but because i
can't keep fighting with everyone and everything for the
sake of my own happiness. Why should my happiness be anymore
important then anyone elses. But then im stuck because if i
leave Sixx then i hurt him and break his heart now he has
finially got me and is love with me, but then if i carry on
with him i hurt J by dating her ex who she wishes she was in
my position where he cares so much for me. How do i hurt
neither? I can't. So now i have to choose between who i love
and who has been a terrible friend to me but who has sort of
kind of stuck by me.
Someone trade lives with me please?
And someone shut this bitch up next to me because she just
wont stop screaming and trying to push me to kill myself.