Timotheos

Festina cum Deus
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2010-06-20 23:35:59 (UTC)

Fuck it all right now

I thought you were supposed to feel all peace and love
inside once you were saved?

I fucking hate everything right now. My life, my family,
my friends, my parents. I just want to watch this world
burn. Let them be incineraed all the same. None of this
matters anyway, right? Either we're going to heaven or
we're going to hell, and if God is as what he says, then
we're getting our wish either way.

Why does God love me? Who the fuck knows. He made me. He
numbered my hairs on my head, he put my emotions inside
me, and so I have him to thank for this person I am.

This person who can't seem to do anything right in his
life. This person who's just a big joke to everyone, just
a big dumb stupid kid who has nothing and is nothing, and
apparently, has problems that people can say he has, but
won't identify them to his face.

Fuck life. I want to die right now. I want to load a
pistol or a rifle up, since at least it would be
relatively painless, and I want to blow my brains out.
Right all over the wall...

But even then, I'd still be a burden for someone to clean
up the mess. I'd feel sorry for the person or persons who
found me, who'd have to go through the whole human
bullshit of weeping over a loved ones' corpse. They'd have
to scoop up pieces of my brain, maybe with a plastic bag
from the grocery store, and some brawny paper towels.

Apparently, I am nothing but a 29 year old little child
who knows nothing and who has amounted to nothing, who can
make no good, decent, or true adult decisions, and
everyone else gets to be right and justified, but not me.

Why do you love me God? I can see no reason to love this
ugly disgusting vile creautre you made. That's right-YOU
made me. If God is as God says, then God made me this way.
He made me with all the capability of hate and rage and
anger, and he let the world show me how to use that hate.

My silence is something that has been turned off from the
world. The noise has seemed to die down. But now?

Now, now the silence feels like abandonment.


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