lilv13t402

Memories
2010-06-16 02:34:02 (UTC)

June 14, 2010 - Day Two: Heartbroken

Dear Diary,

I finally cried out to my heart's content. No one was home
to see my tears.. no one was home to see everything come
back out.. no one was home to see my own body in pain.

Drove to school.. thinking about him. Thinking about him
appearing behind me.. thinking I was hallucinating from
insomnia 'cause there I saw him parked beside me in front of
the red light of 128th. I turned my head ever so slowly to
see him turn and wave with a smile. I was frozen but I
managed to turn back.. I thought to myself.. "Why isn't he
treating us like strangers? Wouldn't that have been
better?," I had thought.

Coming back to my reality, made my turn when the light
turned green.. him speeding ahead and switched lanes and was
right in front of me.. I looked down 'cause I didn't want
him to see my tears if he could.... Got to the light on 1st,
was about to make a right turn.. but he signaled to turn
right so instead of making the same turn, I decided to take
a straight while wondering where he'd be going.

Got to EHS, walked around to find the TEC school's senior
breakfast.. Turns out, I missed it, so instead, I joined
them in the graduation practice. ^^ TEC school is really
funny and uplifted. Then the practice was done, talked to
Jonas, Alex, & Hung for a few minutes. Jonas had told me
that in the future, I'd have to bump into him or be around
him because we're all friends and we hang out. His point
made me thoughtful.. and then I left them so they could go
get their lunch. At the same time, Joben had texted asking
where I was. We met up outside of the cafeteria on the lawn.
We sat down, and he saw that I needed a hug and hugged me
while I cried and told him everything. I made him tear up
because I was crying out naturally instead of holding in all
the pressure. I laughed after a while and asked him if he
felt weird because people were staring at him weird like he
had done something wrong. He said a little. ^^

Finally decided to go to Vananh's house after walking around
a little because we wanted her to get her sleep in since she
was up really late. Went over to her house.. cried even more
until I was cried out.. Telling them (Mylynn, Joben, Vananh)
the story from the very beginning to the very end.

After spilling my whole entire story.. I left to go get more
space at home since there was no one home. I then left the
house again and went to the lake of Des Moines. I thought of
the quote a friend had told me about seeing the other person
for only a little bit each day had made it easier to let go
and move on. I decided to text him to ask him out for a
ride. We were going to meet at a friend's house and I'd take
him from there. He was one hour late. During that one hour,
I had a lot to say to Valerie and Triet. I'm glad I was able
to tell them everything I needed to tell them. And glad to
hear little Valerie's stories and her innocent mind's
advice. I love her so much.. but at that moment, it was time
to say goodbye because he came.

"You're going to grow up to be one of the smartest girls if
you haven't ever had crushes, Valerie-dear! I know you'll
grow up to be a good girl as you are already. Just don't let
jerks like him boss you around. You take control but not too
in control. Of course give the guy some power too so that
you'll both be on equal status. In the future when you find
that guy you like.. he better be the one who asks your
permission before holding your hand, the guy who asks
permission before touching your hair, the guy who gives you
respect by giving you space and still love you for your bad
side. That's the kind of guy that makes you go, "Whoa, he's
different.. I like him." As for Peter and Triet, stick up
for them. They shouldn't be bossed around like that. They
should man up more instead of bottle up all the frustration
they have towards him. Now you go in.. keep that picture
safe if you ever miss me. ^^"

Got back to the car and Nghia and I got in, me driving. He
asked where we were going, and I said I did want to take him
somewhere, but he was late (because he had the tennis
banquet to go to).. so I had to take him to Renton instead
(since I was also on an errand). He was surprised and asked
why all the way in Renton and I said to see the Supra (but
he didn't get to see it). Lol. He was surprised again as to
why I'd take him all the way down to Renton just to see a
car. Lol, I said I wanted to talk to him while we were
taking a ride. I like the feeling of being able to talk to
him since for the past month when we were in a relationship,
he barely talked to me at all in the car. But yeah, I took
the longer way to get to Renton so I could have a longer
talk with him about stuff in general. Got to my Uncle's
place, and we both were a little hesitant about whether he
should go in or not. I don't know.. One of the reason he was
scared was because my uncle from South was also living
there. But also because we both wouldn't know what to do if
they decided to tell my parents. But at that moment even up
until now, I didn't really care. My uncle from south is
right when he told my parents directly about how I was going
home later and later that I'm 18 now and should be let off
the leash instead of staying home all the time.

So he decided to stay back in the car.. I guess I got a
little excited out from instinct and back handed his arm..
which then I realized he doesn't like getting hit and I was
really sorry... So I let him be while I was up on the front
porch and almost inside when my aunt-in-law asked if I got
everything. I told her that I haven't gotten everything
yet.. "My friend is in the car, can he come in too?" And she
said, "Of course! You shouldn't let your friend wait
outside!" I love her. ^^ I ran back out and waved him to
come in, and he was shaking his head. Lol. But he came in.
He got to meet my aunt-in-law and my 7th Uncle. When we were
leaving, it was a little surprised to see him formal by
bowing and calling my uncle "Chu". Lol.

Drove out to go buy a tape for the video camera my uncle
left us. At that time.. I was really in pain and seriously
in need of sleep. I walked along behind him but keeping a
distance between us. I wasn't paying attention at times and
kept bumping into him. Well, we finally asked the lady at
the register, and we found what we needed. Left the store,
and I drove him back to his friend's house. At that time, I
was already blanking out about everything because of lack of
sleep, but I was still able to keep up a good conversation
with him. Until we got to the place, I asked him to sit back
and talk to me. He asked about my day.. and I told him
everything. He asked what I was going to be doing after we
were done talking.. I told him I haven't decided and he gave
me suggestions.. But I declined. I said I'd figure out what
I'd do after. He told me not to do anything stupid. I told
him he had no right because I haven't considered him my
friend yet. After the same talk that we had had on
Saturday.. He got out of the car but stuck his head back in
and told me that letting me go is hard for him too. But that
there's nothing he can do about it now 'cause that was how
he felt. And he closed the door and left.. I was in my car,
blankly staring in front of me and turned to watch him go
inside. [Sometime during this conversation, he told me that
he'll be there to hang out with me and talk to me if I was
willing to allow that.]

After a moment, I started my car, and decided to go home to
take my test. In the car, I felt refreshed.. Like.. I was
able to believe that I don't need to hang on to him anymore.
The heavy feeling was still there but I felt more spirited
and found myself smiling. I got home to find my friend there
waiting to talk to me while I took my test.

I remember once Nghia had told me.. "I think it's easier to
move on when you have someone to move on to." I want to..
but I'm hesitant because I'm scared of being hurt again.
Especially looking at little Valerie's view of the
situation, if I got back together with him, he might do the
same thing again. Then looking at it from my friend's view
of seeing him for a little bit that day.. Starting from the
car ride when we were both on 128th.. Yes,.. I do feel
better to see him. I feel better to not avoid him. I feel
just better to acknowledge him as someone I just met and
getting to know him slowly.. A restart on the "friendship"
part that we missed and had skipped to intimate friendship.
I will probably be able to accept him as a friend soon.. But
for this time in my life.. I'm just sad and disappointed in
him.

At that moment, my tears had finally subsided. I was able to
focus on my test and my friends.

- Janie




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