simply me

my wee diary
2010-06-14 22:30:19 (UTC)

hectic day

another hectic day today for me, it's all go at work and
my training outside of work is bareable, i could hardly
walk on sunday when i went to work but thats just life in
my book, i'm no different from anybody else, i have pain
and i just have to manage it, people ask why i limp, i
just say i'm lucky i can walk.
i'm living a quieter life now, i'm not sure where and
when i realised this but i am withdrawn a wee bit now, i'm
lost in my routine here, i work, i train, i train some
more and thats about the just of it, i know i've been
struggling with one or two things lately, i just think too
much, i should just leave my brain out of my life, and my
heart for that matter, having a heart just hurts me, maybe
thats why i'm training so much, running myself into the
ground exhausts me and helps me sleep, thats all i worry
about , just to be able to sleep at night is enough for
me, i have energy to die for, energy to burn, i'm 40, i
work with my hands, i labour all day, i come home from
work and head straight back out to train.
tonight was an exercise class for an hour, then half
hour break then a game of football, i don't know where it
comes from, if i have this energy to cover my pain and my
split i am thankful i have channeled it to some good, god
only knows what i could have done.
never underestimate the power of emotion, i runs the
planet, i runs us all, emotion come from the heart, good
or bad it's there for everybody to tap into, it's a well,
it can run deep and cold sometimes and in good days it's
warm and smiley, i never knew emotion like i have in the
last few years, i has had me by the throat at times, when
it grips it really does darken the sky, i am lucky
though, i always manage to see by the clouds and i do
stand with the sun on my face sometimes, those are great
days.
my shifts are changing shortly so another routine will
be needed, i hope i can adjust, i could have been away on
holiday with some of the family, i was offered a room in
a villa but i turned it down, just had to pay for the
flights, i could have stretched to that but i'm not the
most sociable just now, i think about getting further away
from reality and relationships, i have giving up on
finding someone now, i've been single for years now and i
just can't find the key to my heart, it's gone, i always
thought i had so much to give but i have nothing left,
this is probably why i live my life the way i do, why
should i give someone my heart, i always loved being part
of a relationship, part of a team but now it's gone, i can
hardly bare being me if the truth told, i just hide now,
i come across so happy but i'm actually sad and dead
inside, the aftermath of a failed marriage and a broken
heart, it has been one hell of a learning curve, what
have i learned, i'm not to sure, i used to have my heart
on my sleve, you could read me like a book and i was happy
with that, but now i'm gone, i make sure no one can read
me, no one gets too close, i think i'm on a path, a path
to loneliness and quietness, i can put up with that .
at least no one can hurt me. life can be cruel but
thats just the way my life works now. it's probably the
only way my life will work.
if i only knew then what i know now, i wonder what i
would have done.
probably nothing. i'm lonely, sometimes sad but i'm
strong, just on the outside though. life is definately
different now.




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