Erika831

the Secret life of Erika
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2010-06-14 04:32:55 (UTC)

how much time will it take?

it has been forever since i have wrote on here.
i really shouldnt wait so long to voice how i feel.
but between what was up untill today working three jobs, a
new dog, and a few new guys. i havent had much time to my
self.

trying to deal with the stress of trying to be able to
support a family of four while at the age of 20 and wanting
to move out and be on my own.
but i can not pay two different sets of bills.
and it hurts me when i have all the thoughts i have about
how bad things get around here. while all along trying to
stay busy and caught up talking to what maybe way too many
guys. so that i wont think about the one that is still on
mind though i have tired far beyond hard to get over him.

you would think that after all the time that has passed
when he used to say those oh so sweet words to me of how we
will one day be together.
all it took just when i thought i would be over him was
seeing him one weekend.....all weekend. things were odd but
somewhat fine thinkin i could do this.
up until the point we were left alone....then at this time
he made his move and there i was in his trap of his
beautiful eyes and loving smile.....and there i was back
where i was a few months before.
stuck with him in my head......it would be so much easier
if i knew he just did it for sex that he only sweet talked
me for sex made me feel worth what the outcome would be is
just for meaning less sex....but no.
he couldnt give me that. not saying it didnt come close
cause boy did we. but it didnt happen. he stopped, he said
he would come visit me and we would finish but needless to
say that trip never was made.

so fine done whatever the weekend ended and we were apart
again with not even a text saying hey are you home....no
nothing. so other people wanted to take it in their own
hands to protect me to dip deeper in this web of lies. so
she did and by she i mean my of so protective brother's
girlfriend who knows some what most of what has happened
between the two of us. anyway long story short she pulled
him a side well more backed him into a corner and asked him
what he planed on doing about all he promised me over the
years......well? yea his answer was there was too much land
between us and too many problems with what would happen
after the cat was out the bag. well one problem with that
little excuse...he could have told me that before, hell he
could have told me after. but no....wasnt worth his time.

well ive been here ive been working on it. you know not
talking to him. even deleted his number so i couldnt call
him one drunken night and pour my heart out.
well then the party comes. well needless to say he was told
more then once before i got there that he was not allowed
to talk to me. but he didnt have to say a word just seeing
him made it hurt.
at points durning the night our eyes caught each other. and
there were some words spoke and he was warned again. but
either way i dont understand why it cant go back to when we
could laugh and joke around.

i can deny it all i want no i wont call him, no i wont text
him and no i will not tell a soul including him......that i
love him :(


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