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Ezoic
2010-06-14 04:08:14 (UTC)

So, here's to the start

Okay, so...I think that's how everyone starts their first
diary entry. Okay, so for real, this is my diary. I know
that when I write, I can feel better and because I have so
much happening in my head, that I have to get it out,
otherwise I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm keeping
this personal right now, but, we'll see how the night
unfolds.
It's Sunday, June 13th, at 11:42pm and I can't fall
asleep. I'm not mad or upset right now, but I just feel
like documenting how I feel, because there's a somewhat
tormenting confusion building up inside.
So, today husband, me, 5 year old and 2 year old are at
the zoo, and we're sitting down to eat a picnic lunch.
Then my son falls and bangs his chin, and my husbands
immediate reaction is "Jesus!", but he's very loud, in my
perspective, and then my son just keeps looking at him
like he's in trouble for falling and he doesn't want to
cry or show that he's upset by getting hurt because then
he'll be in trouble or something. So, then my husband
say's something like "what happened?", but his tone is so
argumentative, and I don't even know what I said, but then
I said, "he hurt himelf and he's been looking to you since
he hurt himself after your reaction to him getting hurt",
and then husband says, "I'm not even going to listen to
that tone, I can't even talk to you". Then, my son is
pretty tired at this point and he's out of it, so we start
walking away from the food area, and my husband wants us
to keep walking to see if our son will notice, and then I
say "he's just tired, go get him", and so my husband does,
and then the kids get distracted again, and are drawing in
some mud with sticks, and my husband says " this is just
getting too weird", and walks off! WTF! So, we go home and
he plays video games, and that's that. We don't talk about
it, we don't really talk much at all.
You know I could be critical, and I can be mad, and very
frustrated, but I can't seem to handle any of it because I
don't feel like I can talk to him. I think that I'm
willing to be wrong, or at least listen to what he has to
say, too, but I'm not easily accepting of his criticalness
either. I am stubborn, and I do think I can be
argumentative over something I see as right, but that's
just it. We need to be able to talk back and forth UNTIL
something resolves, not until one of us can yell loud
enough so that the other one leaves.
You know I feel like he doesn't really love me. I feel
like we met, and he asked me to marry him because it was
logical, and we "worked well", and I said yes because I
also thought it was the logical thing to do, so then I
didn't want to tell my dad, because I thought then I
wouldn't be his little girl anymore, so then I told my dad
we were engaged, and he went on for about 45 mins of
considerations of really why he didn't think we should be
engaged, although really he never said that outright, but
that's what I got from it, but he said he'd pay first and
last for us to move in together, so we did. And we had a
lot of sex and fought. That's pretty much what I recall
form our first apartment. Then,I didn't take the pill on
schedule, and pop, I got pregnant. We still fought, and we
fought a lot, but somewhere a long the line, I stopped
fighting. I still feel all the emotions, but I keep them
pent up until they fade into the chain of others and pile
up until I have to write again to sort out my world. I
feel like if I disagree, or argue or fight, it just
creates more fight, and I hate it but, I think maybe I'm
wrong, maybe I'm not seeing things clearly, but thinking
like that just fogs me up even more.
So, now we have 2 babies that I love more than anything in
the world, even though I think I loose my patience too
much, but I'm getting more relaxed, and not much of a
relationship to speak of. We see movies, and go out as a
family. We have sex, and I have orgasms. We live in a nice
house in a nice neighbourhood, and he works very hard so
that I don't have to right now, and I can take care of the
kids. You know I feel like I just have to look at things
clearly. I think he feels a lot of negative ways towards
me, but I'm going to try to look at it from now. I am
going to try to wake up tomorrow, and do my part as a wife
and a mother, and look good, and then see how it goes. I'm
going to experiment and just really do my part every day
for a week, and then maybe I'll even try to talk to him,
to try to tell him how I feel. I don't know maybe, but
I'll let you know. Signing out at 12:08am.
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