All that is
Ad 2:
2010-06-12 18:26:28 (UTC)

summer loving..or not

well it appears that things with the ben-miester are
headed south. not what i'd anticipated. not what i'd
anticipated at all. The last time we saw eachother was 2
mondays ago. it's now june 12th so that was what.. dunno,
can't be arsed to do the maths. i think the possible deal-
breaker might have happened on the monday bank holiday,
sometime in the morning. i think i asked him "the only
reason you enjoy spending time with me is not cos u find
me attractive is it..." at the time i just wanted to know.
even tho i knew it might result in this. and another thing
i suspect might have put him off is that i literally came
on my period. like literally. i was mortified. he on the
on other hand, handled it quite coolly, but that coolness
might have only been on surface level... arrgh!! basically
we had just finished oral sex, everything, and even some
kinda half sex thing.. and then he uncovers the duvet on
my side and there's a stream of blood down my inner thigh.
shock horror. and he just stares at it, while i just stare
at it, and then at him trying to gague the tempereature of
the moment, and the impending embarrassment. then i
apologiesd over and over and he said don't worry.. blah
blah blah and handed me down a towel and asked if id like
a shower... that was that. and afterwards, we kissed
cuddled etc. but then i didn't text (or hear from) him in
a week, partly because i knew there was no point in making
plans cos a) he said his cousins were coming down the next
weekend, and b)i had my final project submission. so logic
and reason and stress and the distraction of other things
kept me at bay, and from breaking point. a week passed. i
said no worries, he's done it before... nothing new, just
his way. then on tuesday, i decided to text him saying "
hey how are you? i've got a deadline to meet this week so
i'm up to my neck with work? how was your weekend?" x

then i waited the whole day - no reply. i said ok, that
wasn't unexpected.. tomorrow it'll happen, he's just
playing cool cos i took so long to text. then on
wednesday, still nothing. that's when i realised that it
wasnt gonna happen. that he might have just lost interest
or be tryin to tell me something. it was kinda sucky,
since i really like him. but at the same time, i've been
ok too. not overly emotional about it. although whenever i
hear his name or remember something we did and laughed, i
feel my heart sink slightly, then i try and forget. i
guess cos this already happened once before at the start,
and that was the worst one, and i went through that and
got over it (even though it was 'over' as i thought it
was) so now its more like take 2 - i'm a bit more thick
skinned for it. even though it still hurts a little. like
have i been too lenient? maybe i shoud have layed down
some ground rules as to text, call, what i will and wont
have. cos it seems like he's taking liberties now. so
basically i said ok, i'll go and see him on friday (well
more like 'bump' into him) at his store. and i did, and he
wasnt there. :-( the moment was sad, i was all excited,
nervous all of those things, and then i walk past
expecting to see a 6 foot 4 statuesque looking man with
dark hair.. and instead i see a 5 foot something guy with
with weary features. at that point i really felt like a
looser. then i lost my cool and did what i'd come to
liverpool street to stop myself doing in the first place.
i called him. as usual, he didn't answer. what was i
expecting? i'd texted him on tuesday and no reply, now it
was friday and i was calling him.. i was the one on the
chase. it's not fair. it never is. then after feeling even
more like an idiot, i decided to send him a text - it
said "i rang to say hi.. and also i forgot my necklace at
your place the other weekend. it's a locket, silver..
could i get it off you sometime? x

then i finally receive a reply at like 8pm, quite
different to what he usually is like i think. there was no
would you like to do something on so and so day? actually
not that he ever asked me out by text before.. but it
started like "yo, sorry, my phone was charging... yeh busy
busy week, hope your work went ok, a locket you say? i'll
have a look x

and that was that. i didnt reply, and that was that. at a
particularly low (and horny) moment last night, i even
considered texting ben (anderson). he'd textd me
saying "hello trouble, i'm in afghanistan but back soon,
and would be great to seen you. xxx p.s. i found a girl x.

and i wanted to texted him back. i thought of how amazing
it was between us in bed, i thought of him coming to pick
me up and us going crazy for each other in the car, and i
even became nostalgic of the coolness of his flat and that
feeling of being there and waking up in the morning and
walking in to his lounge area, our surface-deep,
emotionally/intellectually detached conversations... These
very things were what i'd hated most about my times with
b.anderson and now i was fantasising about them. I came so
close to texting him and the only thing that stopped this
is that i didnt have his number anymore.. well i later
found it amongst some old messages in my inbox, but i
decided not to.. or at least to sleep on it. If i
contacted the anderson, it would be months and months and
sexual and moral and emotional capitalisation, and hard
work blown away. I liked that he didnt know where i was. i
liked that he still texted me every now and again in the
(vain) hope that i'd respond. i liked having this power.
so if i replied to him, it'd be back to sq 1, and i'd be
rewarding his persistance. thank goodness i fell asleep

But about current ben, i dont know what the deal is. is it
just another one of those stints he pulled a few weeks
back? have i come on too strong and scared him off? (in my
opinion i've gathered that he's not that type to shy away
from intensity and romance) he held my hand whilst we
walked from this bar to another...
have i grossed him out? have i waited too long to have
sex? omg what is it? cos the last thing he said was 'i'll
have a look..' this means he'll text back whenever he
wants to. or if he's feeling horny one evening he'll text
and say 'hey found it'

I don't get it, if you like someone, you wouldn't not find
time during your day to text them or something. like

i wanna say to him: i like that you do you're own thing,
that's so attractive, but busy or not, when you can't find
2 minutes out of your day to say hi, how're u doing? then
obviously you're not into them. i'm not used to being
treated casually.. i've been sincere and i've been honest,
and i dont like for any of that to be treated casually..

oh my oh my. woe is i.

i was really hoping that this summer would be it for me.
like we would be together by the end of summer, we'd spend
winter together etc. but obviously, life disagrees with
this ideal. fucking fuck. i'm turning 21 in about 2-3
weeks and i've never been in a real relationship.. like
befor when i was 19, 20 etc i was like yeh whatever, its
fine it'll happen eventually, when u least expect it, it
just takes time. but now i'm on the brink of 21, i'll
admit i'm begining to feel the pressure to be in a
relationship or to have a 'someone' before i wasnt fussed
as such, as long as there was a guy i fancied and
was 'working on'.. but now it's like i want the whole
thing. i know this now, cos couples catch my eyes in the
street, wheneve i'm in an area or a restaurant i think of
how much a meal for two would cost etc, i'm thinking of
activities that two people can enjoy, and whenever it's a
sunny day or a friday i imagine how i'd spend it if i was
with someone else, or i look wistfully at couples getting
together after work on a friday evening to spend the
weekend etc. gosh. am i for real??

i also feel like i've been v. disciplined in this
particular union. in terms of texting etc. i feel like im
on a training course and this will better me for
other 'challenges' to come. Also i wonder if i've not
already met 'the guy'. like have i dated him before? and
then will it be a case of him showing up in a few yrs to
come, when i've gotten my life a bit more 'together'..?
whatever man. i just want pam back here.