Festina cum Deus
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A little over a week, and I've been a baaaad man....
What did I expect when it happened? What magical, mystical
thing would I feel overtake my body @ the moments'
inception? Would I see a blinding light? Perhaps a feeling
of being on fire all at once, yet cool to the touch? Maybe
I thought the voice would shout out from the Heavens, and
pierce through the water directly into my heart.
But it didn't. God didn't come as some booming voice from
the sky, nor did I see wings or angels or doves or clouds
when my body, soul, and spirit were sacrificed to Christ.
So far, all I've heard and felt....is Silence.
A comforting silence.
A silence that, as the Oracle from the Matrix so aptly put,
is like being in love. No one can tell you whether you are
or aren't, but inside, you know, through and through, bones
I feel a lightness that I've not felt before. A quieting of
all the rage in the world that constantly cried into me,
tearing me apart from within, using my very compassion as
the instrument of my destruction. This is not something
that has ever left me.
It followed me. Day. Night. Into the very fabric of my
dreams. I suffered from severe insomnia for nearly a
decade, dreams affording me the only place of solice from
all the noise in the world, yet there too, did the
maddening, deafening scream of this worlds' prince do all
it could to make me miss out on the silence.
The sweet, wonderful, harmonic sound....of silence.
And in this silence, as a man rebuilding his home after the
storm of his century has raged throughout his entire
landscape, so too have I been given the power through Him
to rebuild myself, to invest in myself, to restore what
should have been, instead of what I believed myself to be.
My first step in rebuilding last night was in essence a
remodel through a review, and I've been left now with His
silence, and it it sweet.
Last night, a friend who I'd not seen in a few months, in
fact since before my act of submission, invited me to a
concert in Hollywood to catch HighWay 61 Revisted and
Cubensis. He also informed me he had LSD for me.
I've not taken LSD or any other enthogens in nearly 2 years
(wait, forgot about tripping during opening night of
Avatar), and it was not something I was looking to do. Over
the last year, in fact, over the last few years, I've
struggled mightily when it's come to my will, as in, I gave
in, and never had the will to fight.
Just a little less than 2 months ago, my grandfather passed
on...the very same night, this friend informs me he has
LSD. I hadn't talked to him in a while, and with him
presenting that, at that moment, I knew it was not God, and
I was being tempted to drown myself into the experience.
At the time, I'd informed my friend that I don't think it's
the place I want to go, and I'm not thinking there's any
place for it in my future. He said okay and respected
....and then, last night came. As previously stated, I'd
had no intention nor knowledge of his having extra doses to
give to me; I'd believed we were just going to another
Ultimately, it was my choice to ingest the substance, and
though I can't regret the decision, in doing so, God
revealed to me why I can never do it again.
Here's where most people would think that I had a bad trip,
or freaked out, or couldn't handle things. Not me. I've had
trips where my my mind was broken into nothing, shattered
into all its infinite sadness, and I've come out okay...in
fact, last nights' trip was one of the more pleasant, if
not completely enjoyable experiences I've ever had. I won't
ever forget it.
And that's why I'm no longer able to do it.
When God finally drowned out the noise in the world with
his neverending silence, he drowned my desire give in to
the world along with it.
The LSD was a seducer last night. It showed me passion,
lust, intensity, the want to be free, to give in, to let go.
I can no longer do that; I've been given silence, and I
will never trade it, barter it, or give it away. I will die
to defend His silence.
While I was having my trip, it became essentially and
vitally clear that giving in and being free and letting go
is for this world, and if it's for this world, then it's of
no purpose for myself in terms of my relationship now with
All night long, I thought of him.Him and His great silence
were always there @ every moment, as if he were a guide,
and the things he wished to show me, he made me look at. My
eyes would see the crowd, the band, the lights, sounds,
colors. I found him in everything, but I kept wanting more.
The desire to be satiated by anything, everything, all
living, breathing, tangible things around you, a false
desire of fulfillment.
The bands played, the music was beautiful, and it was the
crowd for people who agree with LSD and it's pleasures. It
was a harmonious, homeostasis-like environment that offered
everything I wanted-sound, touch, taste, sight, smell. I
could have it all, just give in....just dance, just kiss,
just drink, just smoke, just fuck. Just live for myself.
There need not be any purpose to my life beyond living for
myself, right now, and throwing all caution to the wind.
I've been a champion of LSD, Mushrooms, any substance of
this earth, for I believed that if it's of the earth, it's
allowed. I know more about these substances, their chemical
makeup, their spiritual markers, their overall place in
terms of modern (& ancient society) than most people do, as
I've studied them and their positive (and negative) effects
I know why, all too well, with a sense of sad despair, why
man has been driven to these things.
It's the feeling of God....without the relationship. Not
even a touch....just a shadow....a weak excuse of a
I know that some, maybe many, maybe some more than others,
will have a sense of disappointment or sadness at the
decision I made last night, especially so close removed
from my act of submission, and I could not ever wish to
fight them, or stand against their feelings, or say what I
did was right.
But what I know is this-all things, great and small, known
and unknown, done and undone, all things serve the will of
Last night, it was God's will for me to never take LSD
again. I made the choice by taking it, for if I hadn't, I
do believe it could have been a burden in my life for many
years to come... and today has come the realization that
through taking LSD last night, I've essentially and
effectively served his will in me, which is to never
partake in those things again.
Let it be written.....His will be done. Who am I to make my
will over that of God?
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