Book of Suicide
It's hard not having you here
As the days turn into years.
With every holiday comes tears
And every good thing comes fears
Knowing I can not share
The bad times and the fair
With one who unconditionally cared.
Now when I need to talk, you are nowhere.
One day you were gone. No goodbye.
I remember, for days I cried
Wishing I'd find out it was just a lie.
Your heart never failed, and you never died.
Some days my mind floods as thoughts rush through
With all the memories I have of you
Until my head's so full, I don't know what to do.
I've loved you always; I hope you know and knew.
I say I'm fine on days that I'm not,
With my mind and heart tangled in knots
Wishing that we had never fought
And I'd listened more closely to lessons taught.
As children, I think that we are blind
Because selfish views leave us confined,
But parents' teachings help to define
A better self that becomes refined.
Life wasn't easy for you as a parent.
As a child, your logic seemed incoherent.
I didn't comprehend the good intent.
As an adult, I see the wisdom present.
Life is emptier with you gone,
And I can't help but be withdrawn
When all my decisions seem so wrong
Without you here to spur me on.
I'll miss you the most when I get married,
When life hands me burdens I can not carry,
When the world seems so bleak and scary.
Even when it's momentary.
Some rainy nights I will lie awake
Wondering if ever again I'll see your face,
Be able to apologize for my mistakes,
And have all of our differences erased.
I want to let go, but you're within me,
And as long as I live, so you will be.
One grain of life that gives me peace
Because in my heart, you're not deceased.