Constant: continuing without pause
2010-06-08 18:06:12 (UTC)

Heres to my biggest lie.

I still havent figured out what happened. Ive lost weight,
been depressed and lost two of my bestfriends.
But..I have eric back.
Two days after the whole bleeding on josh thing..I was
working and ryann came in with mel and rachel. Begging me to
come to mels afterwards. So I did, I was off in ten minutes
and had nothing better to do.
Heading there rachel and ryann just kept asking about eric.
Weird, I cant even stand rachel but she was truly acting
like she cared.
We get into mels house and trevor calls us all to the living
room to announce something, before he even says what it is,
eric comes busting through the closet.
He came back.
I was in shock. Everything with josh had been going wrong
anyways, I was trying to get myself out of his life. A day
days before eric IMed me saying he was home. I didnt believe
him but thought maybe that was a sign from God, saying just
pretend hes home, get rid of josh. You need YOU back.
But now..I find he was telling the truth. He was home.
We spent the next three nights together at mels. First night
we kissed, second night, rushed all our plans and had sex.
And then have almost every night since.
I have convinced myself im not pregnant. I keep forgetting
if I even should consider it anymore. The more I look up the
more i find, I miscarried. I attempted plan parenthood a few
weeks back but they couldnt take anymore people in. So its
been two months since i even had sex with chad.
I ended up telling mel one day, biggest mistake. She thought
she was pregnant so I belted out mine to comfort her.
Now all she sees me as is crazy and out of her life..thats a
different story im so over even sharing. Shes gone, ryanns
gone...and honestly its such a relief. Im tired of her
fickle friendship towards me, her heart hurting words she
tells and her judgement she has no right to bring upon me.
And ryann..shes back stabbed and talked behind my back so
much this year I dont even know her.
Mel ended up spilling to trevor my news, trevor told
everyone, and then eric.
A few nights ago I was up till 2 am crying to eric trying to
explain..I told him I did misscarry (hopefully). I told him
I was stupid I couldnt lose him.
He said "let me see you tomorrow or im gone for good"
I didnt want to face him but I didnt want him gone. He came
over the next morning and we spent the day together. He has
forgiven me but its been weird. He just doesnt want the
drama but he doesnt want me being hurt.

Im going to plan parenthood again next week with an
appointment to get a actual test (one that I told everyone I
already got..thats part of my lie) If I didnt misscarry..I
am getting an abortion still. This is the biggest thing ive
ever done..the craziest. I made a mistake and things ran too
fast and I am so lost.
Ive been begging God to love me again, to give me his grace.
Every little sign I feel hes giving me, Ive taken. I dont
want to misjudge him one more time.
I want back with God.
I want back with me.

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