Still Wishing on a Star
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2010-06-05 14:52:52 (UTC)

My Mask

So I have started to write this because lately, I find
myself surrounded by people and friends, but none of them
that I trust enough to tell how I'm actually feeling, I
can literally been with my friends of the last 3-4 years
and have large, large chunks of my life that they know
nothing about; I know it's cliche but in a room full of
people I am isolated and alone. So I thought that this
would be a way of letting someone,anyone know how I feel,
so if your out there, if anyone is reading, please let me

When I left my first school at age 13 I was unpopular and
unremarkable, so I thought that there were things that I
needed to change about myself to be happy; 4 main things.
The first one being my weight, I wanted to be thin, then
it was my personality, I wanted to be more likeable, then
it was the fact that I didn't and had never had a
boyfriend and finally I wanted to be a high achiever, a
bright star.

So I went to my next school, lost some wieght, painted a
mask so that I was constantly bubbly and happy worked hard
to be clever and achieve and eventually the boyfriends
started to come.

But it wasn't until recently, when I met the first
boyfriend who i reckon that I couldv'e actually loved
(lets call him) Luke. He was everything and anything,
perfect for me and while I was with him I felt the mask
slipping a little bit, becoming myself. Until a month ago
when I found out that Luke slept with his ex girlfriend
Kathy and after we broke up they are now back together.

I managed to get another boyfriend James fairly quickly
and the mask went back on, school seemed to get busier and
busier and I decided to loose some weight again.

So I have everything that I set out to have, but am I
happy? Well, no. I still cry over Luke almost every night,
James is best friend to all of my friends and there is so
much pressure and I'm not sure I even like him very much.
So I thought that if I got to this stage I would be
happy,but I'm not I'm still as unhappy as I was when I was
a chubby, lonely, under achieveing girl, the only
difference now, I'm wearing a mask.

So, what do I do?

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