A Bee movie
2010-05-31 23:24:31 (UTC)

The Boyfriend

Okay... So since May of 2009 I have been with This guy..
lets call him... Panda... lol... only because thats the
actual pet name that i gave him.. HE is my world... I love
him.. the most beautiful man I have had the pleasure of
meeting.. and i fear that i may just lose him because i cant
quite seem to get myself together and trust him long enough
to keep the drama to a minimum... The constant accusations..
the fights .. ugh.. after a minute for anyone it can become
just too much to deal with.. but we are still together.. and
i love him more than the day we first fell in love.. Every
day is a constant internal struggle... Since moving
to.."Sylvania" ( lol) we have nearly riped each others heads
off 3 TIMES!!! and thats a lot in my book... I accused him
of tryin to get with my ex best friend "Chantel" ( thats not
why we're not best friends.. she's an actual bitch and she
was not a good friend...) and then i accused him of tryin to
get with a real best friend of mine... "Sharmain" and now my
new and current roommate who shall remain nameless.. only
for the simply fact that im currently sitting right next to
her and I would honestly hate to have her look over and see
her name and start gettin nosy.. did i mention that im also
using he computer..
well anyway .. The trust issues that i have come from
traditional trust issue background types.. dad cheated on my
mom a million times..
lied to me ( the ultimate daddys girl at one ignorant point
in my life) ... i discover the world is not your friend and
never will be because even your dad will lie and steal from
and now i feel like every relationship I am destined to have
is doomed to hell ( i just said doomed.. who says that???
lol) ..... that whole ordeal created a ton of fuckin
insecurity in my life and I hate it... every girl wants to
change something about her self .. yea i know this but...
what they cant show or speak about is the feelings from the
inside that these insecurities cause... going on the Tyra
show will not solve any issues except maybe her show ratings
and those may still be rather sketchy...
anyway back to what i was sayin...
This man is amazing to me.. and I want him to stay with
me..but i feel like after all we have been through... he may
just be done.. ive asked him and he says " no i love you.. I
dont want anyone but you and I want you to be the mother of
my children and my wife.." all things that i am always
elated to hear him say.. its just that i question his
truthfulness i watched my father lie to my mom for years..
and if someone can lie like that for years to someone they
claim to love and pledge their life to.. surely this guy
that has no real obligation to me other than professing his
love for me and saying that im the only one he wants to be
with .. could lie when i have known him for a little over a
year and have been dating him less than that...
by no means is he perfect... he has done somethings ..
another reason why im so skeptical ... and i just expect the
worst...but I have always stood firm to the fact that
Cheating is something I cant get past.. and i cant come back
from..if only there were some way to really know.... as far
as i can tell right now.. the only options are.. either he
has cheated with everyone i named and is lying about it...
with only some and is lying about it.. or maybe he never
actually slept with any of em but did something else really
shady and is lying about it... maybe he really doesnt want
to be with me and I can sense that so my mind creates these
stories and has me runnin around like a damn detective tryin
to catch him in the act or close to it.. or maybe im just
str8 trippin...
im just ready for a change ... be with him and trust him..
or let him go forever....