HokulaniK

Tutu Kane
2010-05-30 20:12:22 (UTC)

Loss

24 years ago I met the most beautiful and incredible man in
the world and fell in love with him. 23 years ago we had
beautiful twin boys and I loved this man even more. 22 years
ago we were married and I loved him more that day than I did
when our children were born.

20 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and out of my
undying love for my husband I walked out on him, convinced I
was doing the right thing for him, I didn't want him to
suffer through my pain or possible looming death. I loved
this man more the day we divorced than any other day before
then. Suddenly that was it. I was on my own.

I suffered incredibly in that trying time. I was in pain
physically and emotionally. My cancer was diagnosed terminal
and there I was, facing my greatest fear of dying alone.

By the grace of god I lived. 2 months ago I found the very
same incredible man, bruised and beaten by the woman who
proclaimed to love him at that time, bruised and beaten by
the women who proclaimed to love him between then and now.

When I heard his voice the first time after so many years,
it hit my like a ton of bricks. I was still in love with
him. Despite time, despite self loathing, despite the span
of two decades, I was still in love with him.

He decided to leave his unhealthy situation and he came here
to me. When I saw him, I loved him more than any other day
in my life. I loved him more than should be humanly possible.

His scent, his heart beat, his strong arms, his contagious
laugh, none of it had changed. My love for him was so
strong, I felt as if I could burst with my love for him.

To have this chance, this chance to make my soul whole
again. This piece of me, missing for so long had finally
come home and mended by broken heart.

Three days of bliss and then his broken heart began calling
for the woman he loves. Slapped in the face with the
realization over and over again with every hidden text and
every battered word from his lips, the pain excruciating.

His words this very morning are still ringing through my
mind, every hateful spiteful one of them. "Change your
relationship status on facebook, we aren't in a
relationship, there is nothing between us, we aren't anything".

Those nineteen words, I will never forget them for as long
as I live. Each word taking a chunk out of my heart, the
final three chewing it and spitting it out.

Today as he plans his return to the woman he loves, I am the
one who is bruised and battered.

I've spent the past two decades shaping myself into a
phenomenal woman, a caring woman, a volunteer in the
community, a loving mother, and an educated woman. I am an
incredible woman today and will be the same incredible woman
tomorrow, with or without my soul mate.

I will simply continue to fill this hole in my heart with my
volunteer work. I will love this man for as long as I live.
I will simply just have to let him go back to the woman he
loves and hope that one day he realizes what a selfish,
evil, self centered, pitiful excuse for a woman she really
is and that he has a woman here at home who loves him
unconditionally and hope he comes home one day.

I guess I deserve this after what I did to him 20 years ago.

No man should ever lose his wife as abruptly as my husband did.

Loss




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