Lahlahrouh

A daily confession
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2010-05-29 12:39:00 (UTC)

Present 6

Me is me and after such a long time not being the full
potential me it is like a new discovery and a new love I
have for myself.
But not everything comes so easy to me. I know I have
every right to choose my connections and with whom I
interact but society and some of my friends and family see
that different.
I choose not to talk to my father and mother after I
suffered for years. Each one in their own way lived their
life and left me behind. I was just a child. I could not
change it nor did I dare to say something. As an adult I
accepted their antics for quite a while... My fathers
until I was 26 and my mothers until I was 27. Then I
decided that it is enough. I spoke and explained so many
times, pleaded with them to understand,forgave them for
cruelties small and big they did to me. And then I walked
out of my clan and into a new life. Of course I was sad
sometimes and of course I sometimes cried. But the freedom
I felt and got was too good and sweet on me.
I am now 34 and you would think by now my parents got the
message that I have no desire to interact with them
anymore. In no way. My father is stubborn and keeps trying
on all channels to contact me or to get information about
me and my children.
He showed up several times at my present address, he
writes me letters and emais, he went to the administration
department to find my sons birthday (this year he did not
know my daughters birthday yet but I'm sure next year he
will), he makes his friends call me on my mobile (I
changed number already three times!), he called my
veterinarian and told her lies to get my new phonenumber
(Thank god she found it way too odd and said nothing), he
made one of his business partners send me a message on
Facebook and if I'm not mistaken he follows my twitter
account. The latest coup was that he found me on Skype and
sent me a message saying that he looks forward on chatting
with me soon. I blocked him two seconds later.
Yesterday I spoke to my aunt and she tried to convince me
to talk to him with a psychiatrist and see if we could
sort it out. She also told me he either found my blog or
this diary and that he was upset about the things I wrote.
My answer to that? Go fuck yourself. You are stalking your
own daughter!
You would think he wrote himself a post-it already not to
google his daughter. Or he can and then keeps it to
himself.
There is that stupid idea in christianity that you have to
forgive. There is nothing to forgive. I don't care what My
mother and father did, does or want, I don't care if it
hurts them that they have grandchildren and never see
them. I lost the abbility to care for my biolocigal
parents. For me they are just some people living somewhere.
Yeah it hurt at first, terribly so, but I think it hurt
more to know that after all I did to have a family even if
it is broken they kicked me in the guts with their boots.
So don't come whinig now. It is too late.
I will not yield to any last wishes when they are dying
nor do I care when they are dead. They hurt, beaten,
belittled, abused, almost killed and used me in the worst
way possible.for what? To help their own bruised and
pathetic ego.
But I also have a brother and a much younger half sister.
Sometimes I would like to see or talk to them but my
sister is to young (12) to really understand and my
brother is just weak. He always was. I stopped talking to
him after he told mein every phonecall that mom would so
much apriciate it if I would talk to her. WTF? I don't
wantto accept it or stay away. Every day I look at his
friend request on my Facebook account. And everyday I say
no you don't get sucked back in to the clan. Soon I will
press 'ignore' for the second time. But at the moment I
still feel a bit guilty. but I know that I have the right
to interact with whom I want.


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