All that is
I feel like something s about..
I feel like something's about to happen. lately, well now
just today (especially after ben rang to re-schedule) i
have this feeling that i can't really explain. i've never
felt it before... it's a mixture of things. loneliness,
discontent, anxiety, anticipation, worry, fear.... it
except this time, even if i spent time with people right
now, i'd still come away with the same feeling. and even
if i did some uni work, i'd still have it.
it's feels as if i'm not fulfilling something that i
should be, or living up to some kind of potential, or like
im not on the right path. not only that, but it feels
critical too. like something needs to be done soon, or
this could be it. like the decisions i make now and in the
near future will determine how life plays out in the
Academically, emotionally, intellectually, romantically,
spiritually, etc i feel like i'm at a critical point. like
something needs to happen now. this is the peak. i don't
know what that is. except i think i do. which is why i
also feel this sense of guilt and self disappointment.
i think the time of year has something to do with it too.
it's the summer term, and for a student that's when
important decisions are made. It's always a turning point
around this time of year, except this time it's
intensified by the fact that next year will be my last.
academically, i'm moving onto my 3rd year next year,
provided i pass this year. what will happen to me? where
will i end up?
I'm also thinking a lot about relationships too -
friendships etc and who will keep in touch after we
graduate. will i still see some of these people? once
again another chapter will close as it did at the end of
rms. i got kinda wistful when max came to mine to work and
then left... it was like i could already feel the sadness
of our friendship disappearing. would we still know one
another in a few years to come? like i already miss him..
And then i'm moving outta manna ash this summer and
haven't a clue where i'll end up or with whom (although
jack and i have kinda decided we'd live together with
antoher person or two others).. so there is so much left
open and uncertain. so precarious. thinking about it now,
i guess it all boils down to security - knowing what to
expect and being able to count on it. I don't know what to
expect. just goes to show that i really do value security
as an important need for my well-being. i had no idea.
well i did, but not this much. I need to sort out what i'm
doing over the summer too. once that's done, then i think
i can relax more. and time is running out though.
ben rang today and cancelled our date this evening (he
said long story that he's doing a website for a friend of
his and there were some more changes that needed to be
done and he had to do them tonight... very well then.) but
when my phone rang i knew it'd be him. i said 'hello?' and
he said Hello - then he was like "when did we plan to meet
was it today or tomorrow..?"
and i said "today.." feeling a little silly.
and then he told me about the website thingy and said what
am i doing tomorrow? and i was like "hmmm... i'm not sure
about tomorrow cos i'm seeing katie..she's asked me to
wing her..." kinda sounding like tomorrow wasn't a good
idea, then he asked immediately "in the afternoon?" and i
paused and said "hmmm - what time...?" and he said "after
5.." and then i kinda paused and then he said "what are
you doing on monday?" and i kinda just went "nnneh" (cos
i've got submission of unit 11 on tuesday innit so i wasnt
gonna do anything or make plans was i?" so i was
like "well i'm seeing katie in the day anyway so maybe..
i'll call you tomorrow around 4 and let you know..." and
so that was that.. we said our nicities and goodbyes etc.
i'm not bummed actually. cos i know he likes me. when i
meet some1 new that's usually all i need to know to not
feel insecure and be clingy or be hooked onto my phone.
just to knw that he likes me.. and not just the way i look
or whatever but that he likes my company. no matter how
much he doesnt call or text. to knw that.
and infact i felt a little relief cos i was so tired - i
had only 3 hrs sleep last night and had to wake up for my
dyslexia screening and then my first day at the v&a. so i
was knackered - then back home to start getting dressed
for the date? too much. i needed to unwind. so here i am.
unwinding. But maybe what i should have said on the phone
is this '