RedTulip

The Journal of Carmen.J
2010-05-24 22:07:18 (UTC)

First Entry

Dear diary,
Everything is so frustrating and confusing. I seriously
hate school, I hardly learn much and no one would notice
if I wasn’t there. Everyone just wants me to be some
perfect, fake plastic Barbie doll with no emotions. Which
I’ve tried to shut up sometimes when people take the mick
out of me, but it’s just not in my nature. The reason why
I wanted to start an online dairy was to try and express
how I feel. Also this will hopefully help me discover who
I am. I’m not very good at trusting people any more
because I’ve been used and hurt so many times, so I don’t
really talk about my problems at school. But I do have a
great family I can talk to. Even though it’s not perfect,
it’s the best thing I’ve got going for me. When ever
someone is missing or had an unpleasant experience their
always there for you. Not until a recently I hadn’t
realised how close we really were. And I’m glad I’ve got
them because I really wouldn’t know what to do without
them.
Some people just fit in. But don’t. I like being with my
family but I still feel left out, and I just feel out of
place all together. Even though my family is close, theirs
many secrets my family keeps from me. I can’t talk to my
cousins about it because it’s not their side of the
family. I don’t really understand about my ancestors
because when ever I ask it’s always a different story. It
would be easy to blame everything on my mum. But I’m not
looking for an easy way out of this mess, I want the truth
and at the moment I’m not getting anywhere. Theirs some
many different stories about my mum when I was younger ,
about her being depressed and crying under tables and when
I confront her she just denies it ever happened and says
I’m very stupid girl and I shouldn’t be stirring things up
( well she calls me worst things then stupid girl, but
I’ve given up swearing. Well tried to). It was stupid
thing to do but I just don’t understand when everyone
apart from my mum says so and also others but I dare
mention. I can see where everyone is coming from because I
don’t have a very good relationship with my mum, and I’ve
seen very fighting sides of her. But neither story makes
any sense. I just don’t know what’s the truth anymore. My
mum can be quite stubborn and aggressive and moody and
depressed and her moody swings change all the time. It
just irritates me, that the stories about my mum happened
when I was little and it’s so frustrating that I can’t
remember anything.
Wow, I sound depressed. I’m not depressed I’m just
confused, and undecided about everything and everyone.
Well I’m a teen, just a bit different to everyone else.
Anyway what’s so good about normal anyway?
Ps. My name is Carmen and I’m 14 yrs old and this is my
story( I sound really cheesy). if you would like to talk
about anything contact me on my email [email protected].




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