tres_mortel

Who tha hell names their diary??
2010-05-22 01:39:05 (UTC)

The price of a free ride

I guess I'm the loser here now instead of Alan. Still
haven't gotten the courage to say that simple sentence: Get
a job or get out. Just 6 words & yet I really care about
him & can't bring myself to say it. Part of me knows it's
not working out with us & he needs to go, job or not. But
a big part of me worries where will he go? I'm not a
heartless person, I care way too much for that, & he has no
family or friends here, no car, no job, nothing. Without
me, where would he go? What would he do?
A friend of mine suggested if I wanted to still take
care of him, to save up & get him a bus ticket back to
Corpus Christi where his family is. That is a thought I've
been dwelling on. But then there is this other little part
of me that doesn't want to be alone. That's scared of
being alone. I pretty much went straight from Joseph to
Alan & had only had my apartment for a month before Alan
moved in. I never really got a chance to grieve for the
loss of my husband & our family & learn how to live w/no
one else around, just me & my daughter.
I think it's time that I just grow a pair, as they
say, & take that step to live completely on my own & be my
own person. To realize that I don't need a man to complete
me or to be happy. How great would it be to do whatever I
want without having to answer to anyone? If I want to go
visit my ex husband I just do it; if I want to sit around
the house all day w/my daughter I just do it. No having to
explain & defend my actions to my insecure boyfriend or
drive around trying to entertain him for countless hours
because he can't sit still. No energy or water would be
used at my house while I'm not there & everything would be
just as I left it when I came back.
But I'm so scared of being alone. I'll have Rayne,
but she's just a baby. And I don't want to hurt him. I
really do care about him & I know this is going to break
his heart. It wouldn't be quite so bad if he could still
stay in the same city because I don't mind still seeing
him, I just can't support him anymore. I've worked hard
for what Rayne & I have & I want a partner that helps me
keep that up & expand it not catch a free ride on it.




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