SPC AKB

The Road
2010-05-21 15:17:22 (UTC)

I am a bastard...

Over the last few weeks I have been looking back over our
2 years of marriage. I didnt see how distant I had
become. I thought I was protecting her from MYSELF. I
thought if I could hide the pain and fear she would be
safe. I didnt hide it very well. I hid myself. I didnt
talk to her, didnt listen to her when she did talk. I
scared her to the point where she wasnt able to talk to
me.
I am a fucking joke of husband and a broken shell of a man.
She deserves better than me. I am wanting to be a better
husband. I want to be her man. I wish she could open up
to me like she does with her old buddies from college.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give her my ring and tell
her to give it to someone who can not only MAKE her happy,
but someone who can KEEP her happy.

Dont get me wrong, I love her. I am still In Love with
her. The last few weeks have definately shown me that.
No, I never doubted my love for her, I will always love
her. But I was too busy hiding to show her that, or to
even show myself that am still In Love mith her.

I can look back just a month and see all the doubt I had
installed there. She stopped singing around the house.
She stopped holding my hand in the car, well, she stopped
reaching for it at least. I know I played the biggest part
in that.

Anyway, we finally acknowleded that we were growing apart.
We are seeing individual couselors for awhile, this
will ,eventually, turn into a couple's counseling.
I still dont know what I supposed to "working on" in my
sessions. the guy thinks i'm doing good and I seem to be
in-touch with my feelings and emotions. Crap!! i dont know
what to do.

We are holding hands again, we take time each day to hold
eachother close and talk about the day and sometimes where
we are heading. Things feel good with us.

I still continue to have nervouse breakdowns (that is what
this is). But those hit with less frequency now. The
nightmares arent so bad now, fewwer now. They still
invade my waking hours, but those are slowly residing as
well.
it feels good to hold her close again, to have her next to
me when we sleep. She pulls herself closer now instead of
backing away. Its a great feeling!!
She sang in the car yesterday!!! I miss her singing.




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