msami31

Just Me
2010-05-16 23:51:22 (UTC)

The Beginning

I opened this online diary so that I have a private place
to put all my thoughts, to organize them and see if things
become clearer. I need to make a decision or simplely
figure things out.

For starters I have everything that I hoped I would have
at my age. I have a husband, a home, a career, a
car...some people would describe my life as lucky or even
perfect, yet I still feel unhappy, unfufilled.

When I began dating my husband I thought he was what I
really wanted, I became obessed with him. He was my air,
my food, my drink, he was everything I needed when I was
16. As life went on I just progressed to the next step in
a relationship. I went to college and I still lived my
life for him, missed out on many college experiences
because he didn't understand or didn't want me to go. But
yet I was still happy, I was still happy to see him and
happy to spend time with him and looked forward to every
minute with him.

After college the next step was get a job and plan a
wedding, and I did all that, just as I was supposed to.
Nothing is more exciting in a woman's life than planning
their wedding, I enjoyed every minute of it. I thought
that after the marriage things would be different, our
tiny fights wouldn't matter and everything would be ok
because we would have each other and we would be sleeping
in the same bed. Our wedding came and went, it was the
most special happiest day of my life. And then I was
married and I had to live as such and whoa what a change!
Did our little fights stop? No, on the contrary they
became worse, little fights changed shape and became about
something else, bigger things. Fights about the laundry
became about me not being an adequte wife, fights about
dinner not being made became about me spending too much
time by my parents. Compromise was not a word in our
marriage vocabulary, rather I had to sacrifice, what made
me happy, less time out at my parents or with my friends,
more time in my home, being a wife, doing chores. I had to
change my life style yet again. Yet I was still content, I
did not know any better. I worked in a little school
surrounded by content older women who they themselves did
not know any better.

Then it changed, ironically the changed was brought on by
his sister. I had a change in my career and entire 360',
my income practically doubled and my hours completely
changed. I was at work more and home less. I now was able
to do things financially that I was not able to do before.
Bills were being paid and it was because of me. It gave me
a sense of accomplishment and self worth. I slowly stopped
depending on him, needing him when to buy things or take
out money from the bank. And then with the help of my
sister-in-law I chose to lose weight, the final piece that
broke the camel's back. As I lost weight I began feeling
sexy and frequent new places because I no longer felt like
I didn't belong. As this occured I met different men, co-
workers and such, that would look and give compliments and
would show interest in me and this made me feel wanted. It
all showed me that I was a woman that any man would be
lucky to be with, a woman that any man would want. And
that was just it I had turned into a woman. Without trying
and without knowing. MY priorities changed, I wanted more
in life, I no longer wanted to b e just a wife, just a
mom. I wanted to have a career, I wanted to do things that
made me happy.

And that's when they began, the affairs, all looking for
what I was lacking at home. At home my husband just fought
with me, everything I did was wrong, nothing I did was
right. He played video games all day, that became his new
wife, his new thing to do. I always used to say that I
wished he would have gotten another woman because then at
least I would know how to compete. But nothing I did,
nothing I put on caught his attention. So I went looking
for love, affection even sex elsewhere. At first I felt
bad and then the guilt started easing away. I had a long
one year affair with a man that became very special to me.
He was also unhappily married and we pretty much kept each
other company, while my husband played video games and his
wife visited with friends, we talked, we laughed we had
sex. All the while I still did not want to leave my
husband, I still wanted to make it work. I ended starting
to look for a house at first things feel through and then
eventually they worked out. I still thought that after I
bought the house things would change, things would get
better, it never dawned on me that just like my other
thinking, after I gradute college things will get better,
after we get married things will get better, after we buy
a house things would get better, this too would fail.

We end up buying the house and yet still all the problems
remained. I continued to see my friend on the side and
became closer to him, but never to the point that I wanted
to leave my husband. Eventually that too changed, his wife
became pregnant and he moved away and I again was left
alone to deal with my problems. During this time my
husband revealed to me that during a trip out of the
country he had also had a "one night stand", this turned
out to be the biggest pain that I have ever felt but I was
able to move on. I also changed jobs and met a man that
gave me butterflies when I shooke his hand but I never
thought he would change my life the way he has. I thought
I could supress what I felt for him and I began the job of
reconstructing my marriage, but when I realized that I had
to give up everything that I was adn everything that I
enjoyed in order to to do so, I realized that I would have
to give myself up and I was not willing to do so.

I realized that in order to be happy in order to make him
happy I had to give up everything that was me. And I was
not willing to do that. In the process I learned that I
had fallen in love with another man, or so it felt like I
had. A man that I don't truly know, I know only what he
shows me because he sits next to me at work. I know what I
overhear him discussing on the phone. And I know basic
things, like his favorite beer, his favorite place to eat
that he loves cucumbers. But I never thought that he would
feel the same way I did, never in a million years did I
think that my love was requited.




Ad: