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2010-05-16 21:21:58 (UTC)

5-16-10 Can I Make It?

Today was not a good day. It is just as bad as the days
that have passed. I am going through so much and I have no
idea what is going on around me.... I give up the man who
loves me (i think? or so he says) for the one I started a
family with years ago and now it seems as if he does not
want me. He said, "I hope he loves you half as much as I
do!" and doesn't it figure, I think he jinxed me. Neither
one these guys realize the impact that has on me mentally.
I have mental health issues and I am on meds for them but
that doesn't mean that I don't want to engage on a
murderous rage and run people down with my truck everytime
I get really stressed. I would have been taken myself out
of this world if it wasn't for my daughter. Anyways, now I
have been trying to call him for days and guess what, no
answer. WTF? I guess this karma coming back at me. I
should have never left all them years ago and then just
return and expect him to let me right back in. Well it
worked at first, then I don't know what the hell happened.
I tried to break it off a few months ago and he cried to
me saying that he was just getting used to us being back
in his life and that he must've been crazy to be thinking
about marriage because he should've known better than to
think to I would stay. Well of course, I stayed because I
really do want a future with him so that we can raise our
daughter together and now he tells me he's not ready for
this after I told him that I was in love with him. What
did I do? Scare him away? It was his idea and it backfired
on me!! This is crazy and it is driving me crazy....I try
not to dwell on things but my mental illness takes over.
All I do is think about it over and over and over until I
make myself sick, LITERALLY! I barely sleep anymore and
when I do sleep, I wake up in a panic. I wake up looking
for him...I haven't slept in my bed since the last time he
stayed with me. I can't sleep in there without him.. I
know all of this sounds sad but I don't know what to
do...I want him and only him forever. This is not
something that will go away, I have been trying to bury my
feelings for him for five years but they are always there.
Well hopefully I will back again to update my diary. Maybe
one day it will be positive and I feel good... :*(