TrailOfTears

Follow Me If You Dare
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2010-05-12 08:36:48 (UTC)

Let's Get Started

I'm not sure what this is about. I don't know whether I'm
venting, complaining, or putting some creative piece
together. Why am I punctuating properly? Why am I not just
joining Krysha in bed? Maybe it's the questions that drive
me.

I've always loved questions. From a very young age, I asked
about everything. Why are the things that you all take for
granted as they are? Why is everyone okay with this way? Has
anyone ever tried to figure something else out? Age brought
wisdom, or perhaps, what could easily be mistaken for
wisdom. I would consider myself wise, but I know that
beneath I am no more convinced than anyone else. Wisdom is
like aptitude in a strategy game. The only way you have it
is by experience, or the ability and desire to think
situations through clearly in advance. I guess I have the
ability and the desire.

This is something I wanted to put out there. I've always
regarded myself as being intelligent. I prided myself as
being smart, and able to think deeply about things most
people glaze right over. The combination of my creative mind
and my logical thought process made me feel quite special.
I've always thought of myself as able to walk between
worlds. In one world, I was quick and well thought out. I
knew the answers and asked all the right questions. I was
always a couple steps ahead, and always had a read on every
situation. The other world required a man of no such walk. I
socialized, bringing to life a social being that possessed
the ability to read people. I gave advice, and always knew
how to have a good time and unwind. I wore a tough face, one
that had seen its share of pain. Deep-set thoughtful eyes
connected the person to someone who could not be harmed by
mortal means. I guess these personae aren't so different.

I know why I am who I am. I have been rejected in my life by
people I let get close. The only difference between me and
everyone else with the same sad story is that I experienced
this at a young age. I was young enough so that I knew not
to trust anyone, not even myself. My first defense mechanism
consisted of a certain type of silly imagination. I pretty
much shrugged off the world for my own. I made up all the
rules, and spoke freely. A lot of this remains in me to this
very day; before thinking I speak of how it ought to be,
even if only in my mind. When I was younger, I often played
alone. I had siblings that were close to me in age and in
relation. Even though I often treated them without much
respect, I would not be a shadow of who I am today without
them.

I got older, and silliness transformed into craziness. I
decided early on in life that I would make my own rules and
do the right thing. I marched proudly into every situation
as a straight-edged boy with a wild imagination. I could
often be seen running through the halls of my school. I wore
the veil of a nonconformist. I shared the obvious
stereotype: the world had already rejected me, and I was
afraid I wouldn't win playing by 'their rules'. I kept
people away, and those who got close often faced my multi-
faced defenses.

I finally settled into the body of a deep voice. People
started to listen, so I continued to talk. Friends became
close, and the conversations ran deep. I thought about the
world and its injustices. I started to hate the world less.
Disdain was calmly replaced by intrigue, as I began to feel
as if I understood something few others did. I tested the
bounds of this mindfulness, and very nearly pushed everyone
else away.

I aged, and began to emerge from the ragged cocoon I'd laid
in all those years. My mindful nature took a seat so that I
could direct my energy to piecing together a career. The
carefree attitude was replaced by a serious success-minded
man too late. I graduated college, and sputtered into the
real world. I worked a few jobs, lost my girl friend, and
watched my whole life fall apart. I watched almost everyone
turn away, but many friends never faltered. I arrived to the
deepest, darkest place I'd seen in so many years.

It was beautiful. I used to cry thinking about how beautiful
the world is. I finally arrived on the other side of the
emotions I felt so long ago. I was so afraid to feel these
things back then; now, I felt my body become overtaken by
waves of raw emotion. I saw everything from such a different
perspective.

My only regret is that I sit here now unable to properly
piece together all of these view points. It's almost like
I'm posted up in a tower, only able to peep through one hole
at a time.

But when I look down, I see things the way few others are
able to.

The problem is that I am often so blinded by anger. I do the
school thing, and I strive for a career to be successful,
and I often get so mad. I really hate the world for what it
is. Life is one big model that sacrifices so much for
efficiency and speed. We lose people's lives in the mix. It
really challenges me to take a hard look at myself.

Money is always an issue. Who ever runs this operation will
never allow enough wealth to spread to make too many people
too comfortable. The more people are comfortable, the fewer
people there are to be productive members of society.


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