All that is
six foot four flake.
it's happened again. seriously. can't believe it. but then
again, i guess i should have seen it coming. you can't ask
someone out and then not expect future complications...
monday the 19th of april, went to short and sweet
together. had a good time, and he seemed to too. there was
laughter and storytelling and enjoyment. well definately
on my part. and then he walked me to the station and we
said goodbye and said "would you like to do this again
when i've got a fully functioning wallet?" which i found
endearing. I said "i would" and he said "so maybe sometime
next week?" and i said "sure, just give me a call and i'll
let you know when i'm free" This was a monday evening.
although taxing and distracting, i kept faith in
the 'sometime next week' so the clock should start ticking
starting the monday a week from that evening. I didn't
call, text, or 'bump in to him' and he didn't either -
very hard but i commended myself. I attributed his lack of
communication to shyness and reservation. I liked that, it
made me like him more i guess. endearing, i thought. self
deprecating. he doesn't feel confident enough to make a
move, unless i initiate one first. and besides all the
articles i'd read implied the same thing. 'some guys play
hard to get when they wanna make sure you're really into
them..' and so on and so forth.
Then on Monday, one week from our date, i was on my way to
short and sweet, but really to try and see him just before
too. but, alas, i was a bit late and while on the bus i
realised that i wasn't going to make it in time to bump
into him as planned. so i caved in and did something out
of the plan, and i texted him saying. 'Hey how was your
weekend? i'm on my way to short and sweet, you're welcome
to join if you fancy x'
and he replies like 15 mins later saying 'hey weekend was
good thanks, how was yours? sorry i can't come tonight,
but thanks for the invitation though.. are you about next
week?x' and out of annoyance for 1. his very blase 'are
you about next week?' when it was supposed to be this week
we he said we'd see eachother and 2. for not actually
asking the question properly, like are u about kinda
implies if you're around london sometime let me know and
we'll see..type thing. instead of actually asking 'do u
wanna do something or when are you free?'
it just sounded to me like someone who wanted to buy time,
wasn't really bothered and wasn't making an effort...
so in annoyance i replied like 2 hrs later it wasn't meant
to be that long, but it kinda turned out to be. i
said 'weekend was good thanks, went to see the marathon
which was a laugh. My workload seems to multiply with each
week but i should be around at some point x' i sent this
around 9 ish. i waited for my reply. didn't get one. i was
puzzled. was he pissed? had i acted rudely by replying
late? he clearly isn't the game-playing type, i thought. i
should have been more clear when answering his question of
are u about next week? i should have given a date and
maybe he'd have replied then. his asking me that question
loosely obviuosly meant he was shy and didn't wanna put
himself out there too much for fear of being turned down,
and now i've replied in a way that's less than
enthusiastic and i've put him off. he thinks i'm not
interested anymore!! i mean he did ask me if i was around
next week, and he did ask at the end of the date we had
the week before if id like to do it again... so obviously
he's interested! i'm an idiot, MY FAULT, MY FAULT, MY
FAULT!! I'VE FUCKED IT UP. HOW AM I GONNA RECTIFY IT???
So that was the first hiccup.
then i waited another few days and on friday that same
week, i went in to liverpool street and i walked past his
store and he was in there. and i walked inside and we made
conversation. and he said i'd be able to do something but
not till next friday.. and he explained he was going home
for his grans bday this weekend then he was going to the
beach in norwich and then he was going to some gig called
nation and so friday most likely. and i said ok, probably
me too. and he said he'd give me call on friday.. so
another painful 1 week of waiting ensued. and it felt like
i was living for friday. i literally couldnt get anything
productive done, to hell with school work. it felt like i
had to sort this friday outta the way first.
honestly i scare myself sometimes. this is only 1 guy who
i've been on one date with and because i felt a connection
with him and an attraction towards him, i've invested much
hope into him and it felt like i was holding my breath.
putting a hold on my life. i mean i barely know him! and
yet look at me. It worries me to think of what might
happen when i get into an actual relationship with a guy
and he starts messin me about or we break up. all the guys
i've had no serious unions with have affected me, so
imagine the multitude of hurt and pain that i would be
subjected to if a break up happens. especially if i really
feel something. i'm 21 this july. never had an actual
relationship. only flings and fwb's type stuff. and those
have hurt too. but i guess that's just because i, me
myself invested theh same kind of emotion and hope into
them that one would invest in a real relationship, even
when it wasnt' reciprocated. i at loss. i don't know
what's wrong with me. that every1 else can seem to form
normal relationships and even friendships and i can't.
i've finally made the plunge to go and see a therapist...
still waiting for the letter of referral though. and it's
anyway, i waited till friday (yesterday) and i had my
heart in my mouth the whole day. i even went to media
class at 10am so that after my peel at 1.45 i could just
go home and get ready and enjoy gettin ready.
so i got home and right now i've wistful and longing for
those moments yesterday of not knowing if he would call or
text and the mystery and excitement.. so i started my
putting my hair in rollers. havnet done that for yrs, so
something big was obv gonna be going one hopefully. then i
was fixing the rollers, and had nearly finished my whole
head when i heard the beep "dada da dadah!" and i looked
at who it was and it said 'ben iris' and i yelped! it was
him finally and i opened it up to read, feeling about 65%
sure that it was something good, but also had this feeling
at the back of my mind which i guess i had been trying to
ignore all week. and the text read "Hey, are you going to
short and sweet on monday? i have to meet my housemate to
collect keys tonight so monday's probably better... how
was your week? x" I read half and immediately knew the
jist of the rest and paused and my heart sank. then i read
the rest.. i had this look on my face that said gutted but
you kinda knew it was coming right, and this odd smile
that said 'you've confirmed my fears, now i have an
answer..' i looked in the mirror. the roller on my hair
made it all the more heartbreaking. if anyone could see me
right now.... oh god. i tried to keep my composure.. but
that smile quickly turned into disappointment. the
bastard. how could he? what had i done? had i been too
lenient? anyway i tried to text with a tone that didn't at
all reveal how i really felt.
i said: "good week thanks, i got the intership i'd been
after at the v&a, so all smiles. how was the beach? short
and sweet... i'm usually there by 20 past 7 ish x"
then i waited for a bit, and no reply. then i thought ok,
i replied like about 35mins or 45mins after that so maybe
he's trying to top that. then i waited an hour and i
thought ok, the other day i didnt text back till about 2
hours so give him a chance to beat that. then I fell
asleep out of exhaustion, well from just shear
anticipation throughout the whole week i guess, and
frustration. i hadnt realised how tired i was. and i woke
up and checked my phone first thing with some hopefulness,
and still no message. not from anyone.
after i woke up i thought damn it. i should have said
something more along the lines of "i'll call you if i'm
going to short and sweet" 1. it would give me a chance to
call him and 2. it would kind of effectively put the power
back into my own hands..
but you always think of the better things to say
afterwards. text lesson learned: never send a text
straight away. save it in draft and go do something else
for a few mins. you'll always think of something better.
or send it to someone else first.
or i should have text back after a few hours saying:
"i'm in marylebone with friends, in a bar that do the best
mojitos. if you're about give me a buzz. otherwise i'll
call you monday and let you know if i'm going to short and
god i don't know anymore. the fact that he keeps making
counter dates or offers suggests that he's interested but
he's not incredibly keen. or he's got other offers -
better offers. or he's come out of a relationship, or he's
just seeing how far or how much he can take the piss and
apparently i've let him. they always say that you should
put ur foot down when someone exhibits such behaviour and
say "look i'm better than this or i'm not interested, just
delete their number and forget them etc..." but how the
hell do u do that when you really like them? how do u
say 'if you're not interested then go away..." when you
feel like you're the one at their mercy and their doing u
a favour?? i guess the answer would be to addres why you
feel their doing u the favour. address that inferiority
complex first.. shit, i'm so fucked up.
I'm the one who asked him out. after making mild
flirtation one friday, i went in there on the following
monday and under the (very transparent) pretence of
wanting to replace a pair of prescription lens glasses
with non-prescription lens.. i eventually said "i'm gonna
be really bold and ask if you'd like to have a drink
sometime.." and he said (to my surprise) "yeh i would.."
and then we planned for thursday (he gave me his iphone to
put my number inside) and said he'd call..
then on wednesday, i went to have sushi with katie in
liverpol street and we walked past his store and i caught
his eye and i had to go back in there. and so i did and he
then told me "by the way i won't be able to do thursday
anymore... and i can't do this weekend either, so maybe
sometime next week..? and i said ok on monday theres this
film night in cafe 1001 and blah blah and he said ok, and
we decided on a time..
but basically if i hadn't come there on wednesday would he
have said anything? i guess he'd have probably texted me
on the day and cancelled. if you're gonna cancel, then
call, don't text. but anyway if i hadnt made an alternate
date then and there, would we even have seen eachother at
all? he's a big fat flake. this dating thingy is so bogus.
i hate it. i suck at it. you're supposed to find this
incredibly precarious (and impossible) equilibrium. this
equilibrium is an illusion, which both parties play into,
each knowing that what the other appears to be, is in fact
complete and utter horse-shit. The ridiculous irony
though, is that this universal fact is exactly the
attraction. i don't get it. SOMEONE HELP ME! SHED SOME
he's fucking delicious. like understatedly so. just how i
like it. not too sweet, but sweet enough to keep you
hooked. just enough. he's 6'4. he towers over you. ex
rugby player. lovely physique. well spoken, gentleman,
disarmingly self deprecating, delightful to be near and
just overall endearing in his mannerisms, the odd way he
said some words.
anyway, my flaw. i see too much read too much into people.
i don't know what the next move should be now. i have two
1. wait for him to make contact again. (he didn't reply my
message i replied to him.
2. go for it knowing it could be the final. the way yuri
went for it in the movie 2012. he knew he wouldn't make it
but gave it one last push that was worth something. in my
case that something's the truth i guess. an answer. i just
wanna know where i stand. i could call him on monday
saying you never replied, i'm on my way to short and sweet
and i could meet you there later on....
or something more assertive: hey what are u doing this
evening? i'd really like it if you came and had a drink
with me tonight...
or... "i'm in the mood for a little fun.. so i'd really
like it if you came and had drink with me tonight..."
fuck. dunno. monday i'll ring. say 3/4pm