O.

Constant: continuing without pause
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Ezoic
2010-05-08 07:29:21 (UTC)

Like I said..a month can do a lot to a girl.

So..
lets just put it all out there

IM PREGNANT.

No people, this is not a good thing.
Ive talked with a lot of people and decided what is best
for me and under the circumstance is abortion. Not a in
clinic type but a self induced miscarriage pill, Given by
plan parenthood.
Its Chads baby and Im already pretty sure it would either
be messed up with my life choices already or miscarriaged
either way. BUT im not taking the chance.
People, lets set this straight first.I am NOT a proud
supporter of abortion nor a supporter at all. I just have
put a bunch of thought into this, spoke to Chad, Mandy and
Karisa my old youth leader. and they all agree this is up
to me and this is probably the best thing.
I would LOVE to have the baby and even give it up for
adoption, but I cant. I cant have a child and fall in love
with it as any mother would do and have to give it up. Yet
I cant keep it either. It is more selfish to have the baby
and keep it then its not to.
Im only about 4 weeks along and I am able to take this
pill up to around 12 weeks I believe.
First off doctors urge you to not even tell people you are
pregnant until the 12th week because so many miscarriages
happen anyways.
Yesterday I went out and bought a necklace I plan to never
take off, besides showers and stuff but its in honor and
love of this baby. Its a dragonfly which symbolizes grace
and change and inner light. The dragonfly itself is made
so perfectly that its wings are able to change in any
direction when needed and the idea of grace towards it
means it never turns back and looks back. It takes in what
it gets thrown at it and learns to not deal with it but to
move forth, to love itself.
I want to let this baby know that I am so sorry for not
being fit for this, I am so sorry that I cant love you the
way I should. I am so sorry that you were caused by a
mistake I made and you dont deserve me or this life
because you deserve way more, way more than any human can
offer you.I do love you, so much. Its so crazy how in love
with this baby I all ready am, I cry myself to sleep
because I just wish I was older, I wish this would of been
erics, I wish I could do this, I wish..so badly. But life
happens and thats one thing karisa explained to me, God is
so full of grace,everyone gets themself into situations
that they believe God will hate them for and its not true.
God wants whats best for you, he knows what you will
choose isnt always going to be right, never will be his
standard but hes such a loving God he forgives you like
crazy. Not one church not one person will ever be good
enough for God. So thats one thing we need to overcome,
that God is so beautiful and he knows this will come, he
knows we live a life so differently then he wants that he
is willing to still love us and call us his own.
I love God with all my heart and this is why im killing
myself over this. But I cant. I just cant.

I havent told Josh either. We are dating now, not
offically..but we had sex the onther morning. and the
night before he tried to ask me out but I got nervous and
went
off subject. But we are, everyone tells us we are and he
knows we are. Just need that "facebook offical" to it ha.
Yet I am worried about Chad I think he wants to get
serious now that we are going through this.Hes selling his
car for some reason and said he needs to see me soon. We
were going to meet up and talk the other day but it didnt
work out. Hes going to come with me to the clinic and
everything too. Hes been really sweet through this, making
sure im okay and if I do change my mind on keeping it or
not let him know and he'll be supportive either way.
Chad is a nice guy but im not sure. Maybe someday but im
with josh right now. and Eric is my everything. (sorry
josh) I am so crazy in love with eric,though it seems
different I am.

Life is insane.
From where I was to now..its been a true rollercoaster
with turns I never even saw coming.
But thats also the beauty

and im willing to use my wings too.


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