lilv13t402

Memories
2010-05-05 22:51:31 (UTC)

May 5, 2010 - Hurt

Dear Diary,

I feel hurt inside..
my eyes kept brimming with tears
but with a light touch,
I looked up with a smile.

And then,
departure.

At home,
I want to be set free,
run away from these untaming thoughts.

I hurt,
like there are traitorous plots,
unfaithful sins committed,
[..if so, where are the proofs?].

I know.. but I dare not.
I want to trust,
but it kills to believe.

My last resort,
not what's in my heart..
but probably the horizon towards the east.

I don't know anymore..
But now I remember distantly from the past,
there's a bed of flowers, rocks..
small waters streaming closeby.

I am reminded..
I want to be there again..
I want to relive that happy moment again.
But it's only a recollection of the thoughts,

If only I was there again..
But here I am,
typing,
crying,
feeling like..
it's all going to..

Disappear.

-jh © 05/05/2010

---------------------------------------------------------
[3 hours later...]
Moving on from that [wiping the last tears]..

Today, went to class [Overwhelming]..

Went with Nghia to get his new tires and alignment done [Was
interesting to watch].

In between was Southcenter Mall [I was.. disappointed but
happy to be with Nghia]..

Left Nghia's place [I was still.... disappointed.],

went home in a rush to pick up little brother [Frustrated at
that point].

Brother wasn't there, got a phone call from Mom, "He walked
home, where are you!?"

Got home [flustered and moped around],

climbed onto bed and turned on the laptop [falling apart],

got on Facebook [and typed my Goodbye].

Argued with mom and left the house [I needed space.. for
something as little as closing a closet door that she would
yell at me.. why stay?].

I drove to nowhere... but I ended up at the rising shores of
the ocean... drenched, cold, scared, frustrated.... [I
wanted to do what Bella did in New Moon, jump off the cliff
to find her Edward.]

The end.

P.S. In between the 3 hours later... I couldn't help it..
but wish him a good day. And I thought as I sat outside
drenched with rainwater [hoping that it'd clear my unwanted
thoughts], he shouldn't be with a girl like me.. I expect
too much from him [stuff that I don't even say... my
regret]. So now, what do I do?

P.P.S. I want to see his cellphone.

P.P.P.S. I haven't seen him wear my necklace..

P.P.P.P.S. (P.P.S. & P.P.P.S. refers to the two things
bothering me; mentioned in previous entry)

P.P.P.P.P.S. It's cold... but I'm home [thinking about our
first kiss, our first time, the first time he took me in his
car, the first time I went over to his house, the first time
sneaking him into my house, the way he softly pinches my
nose, the way he touches my chin, his smell, him teaching me
about cars, when he sings, the way he looks at me, the
things he does to make me laugh, eating together, his voice,
his chin, his hands, our last hug,....]. Looking out the
window [I smiled].. It's sunny again [good for the rose pot
that I'm planting].

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Confessions of the heart... not necessarily a
true thing... not necessarily fake either... thoughts could
be overthought.. thoughts could be instinct.. So then why in
the end I can't take one simple advice and talk to him [I'm
scared to break down in front of him and then... what will
happen?]? I blame it on the pills.. and I blame it on my
period.. Well now, I sincerely think, I'm just messed up and
think too much. Purely me.. all me. Oh Lord...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I can't seem to take anything said lightly
anymore.. I am SICK of myself for being an ass this way.
What to do.. oh what to do..?

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Janie.. he hasn't done anything to you as
far as your knowledge takes you.. So why the little things
upset you? What the fuck is wrong with you?! [I finally
asked myself.. yet I can't seem to answer.]




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