sOops

sOops
2010-05-02 23:11:49 (UTC)

A lot has changed

Hello Diary,

Well firstly I'd like to take a second and note that I have
never had a diary before, I never really seen the need for
it.. But I have found one NOW.

Today is Monday 3rd of May 2010... This is the day my life
will change for ever.

I'm in love with a woman that wants nothing more than just
friendship... She is booked in today to have a counseling
session with a doctor to abort our/my baby...
As soon as I start thinking about her or the baby I/we
should be having I just break down..
I cant control my emotions when it comes to her or our baby.
I wish there was a way we could work things out between us,
get back together and keep our baby, But I'm afraid its too
late for that..

I have never loved like I love this woman, I didn't even
know it was possible to love someone as much as I love her.

I cant see what goes on in her head, but so many things
confuse and frustrate me, Like I don't know how she can love
me one day and want nothing more than just friendship the next.
I have tried to just turn my emotions off and be the friend
she wants me to be, But its just so damn hard. Every time I
see her I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her.

We have been together on and off (but mostly on) since New
Years Eve, Everything moved really quickly and that excited
me.. I hadn't loved for a long time, I guess I fell to
easily. I gave her everything she wanted, which is one of
the things that hurts the most now, I never made her fight
for my love I just put it on a platter and put it in front
of her.

I even told her I want to marry her, make her kids our kids
and have the baby that she is pregnant with to have our own
family together.

I try explain my feelings to her but I get told to F#ck Off
and get over it, And that just breaks me into a thousand pieces.

I contemplated suicide when me and her broke up, it felt
like my whole world was take away from me, and I didn't know
where i belonged.
I still wake up everyday and check my phone and run to my
computer to see if she has messaged me or is waiting for me.

It has been 2 weeks since she decided she just wanted to be
friends, its also been the worst 2 weeks of my life.
I'm a 30yr old man sitting here balling my eyes out while
writing this... I just hope it helps to get things off my chest.

From today I will start living for myself, I need to put
myself first again.

I love you ...




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