Fire and Water
2010-04-30 05:50:06 (UTC)


Hey Diary I have a question? Have you ever been really
upset about somthing that was really important to you
somthing you felt deeply about? You sonfide in your friend
a few times and have a few tearfull jurnal entries on a
website you and that friend are both on and your friend
says your emo and cryin' over stupid shit? Well I have.
One of my biggest fears is being 30 years old and not be
in a ommited relationship for a minumum of five years with
y life long true love soul mate.
Honestly I truely hope I'm married by the time I hit
30. I know it may seem stupid and rather pathetic but it
is a true and serious issue for me. I have so many single
30 years and devorced 40 year olds in my family and it
truely scares me If I don't have mysoul mate by the time
I'm 40 I am seriously prone to suicide. Mostly becouse I
don't want to live to be 70. Compare me to a car being in
love is my fuel I run smoothly and I am more inspired to
keep up my appearance and clean my house. I long to
improve myself, My goals become more serious and I fpcus
more on them. All to make sure that other person is happy
with me and bicariously so I are about me (rare).
Now lets look at the car version of single me. It's
like that guy who onnly puts one gallon of gas in his car
per week to save money. It gets you effeciantly back and
forth from work and to the grocery once a week. I funtion
as a droid I hate waking up in the morning the only thing
that coaxes me out of bed is that I'm going to miss Dr.
Phil. I make my bed, do my chores (Dishes, picking up
trash, scoop litterbox, refill cats food and water), put
in an application or two, and play videogames untill
dinner, watch a movie while I eat then go to bed and
repeat proses tomarrow. It's like the movie groundhog day.
I funtion as a hard wired droid with no care ust flating
from one day to the next, emotionless, careless, and just
waiting for watever comes first love or death.
I know it may sound like emo whineing but I assure
you it is a serious concern for me and its a toatally
exageration free metaphore and example. Whats worse is tha
the only two real friends I have..we'll call them Lyn and
Ryn are both so blissfully in love. Lyn (my roomate) I
have known for six years and when I first met her she had
three boyfriends Coy, Beetle, and Kat. I knew from the
beginning tat it was flat out impossible for her to keep
her disgustingly perfect love square. I knew somthing
would go wrong and I told hershe should be normal and pick
one. At the time she would have probibly picked (dung)
Beetle but a girl who was our friend at one time stabbed
Lyn in the back and stole Betle but Lyn got him back and
Beetle bacame a slimeball in a dememted game of DOA
vollyball at the end the girl left and for some sick
reason Lyn kept the slimy dung Beetle. He cheated on her
once more after that with an ex but not the same girl and
Lyn was upset but deduced it was her fult and slime Beetle
wasn't to blame. Kat and her went on and off becouse Coy
would get sick of Kat's shit and dump him then he would
dump Lyn just becouse she was a girl and he classifyed her
them as a pakage deal. Anyway Coy and Lyn got sick of his
shit and dumped him. He repeditally cheated on them anyway
with his friend Edwardo (lol YES he was bi but only for
Lyn) The only thing Coy ever did was temperarily broke up
with the others becouse he lived farther away and he
wanted to experiance a non long distance relationship but
thatdidn't turn out and he apologized and re-joined the
group. He never cheated or lied and becouse of that he and
Lyn fell very deeply in love. Now its Lyn and Coy who want
to get married somday and really love one another. Beetle
is still in the picture Lyn still loves the nit and they
have a typical semi-serious boyfriend/girlfriend
relationship. Coy and Beetle are kinda like friends with
benifits although Coy does not love Beetle like that and
he's not to keen on sharing Lyn. Lyn origonally fell in
love with them at age 13.
Ryn I've known 7 years and we have delt with the same
shit with our parents and our track record in love has
been simular. This year she has fallen head over heels in
love with a guy named Kevon. Their relationship is great
and they are so happy. Lyn's relationship with Coy is
fairy tale magnitude the way they talk about each other
and to eac other is unbelievable. You would think they
walked out of a hard core romance book. Thats the
relationship I want. I'm very happy for them and I want
nothing but their utter happieness. But its like we're all
on a beach in a killer heat wave. They are swimming
haoppily in the oool refreshing water while I'm stuck on
the hot sand thick thorny vines pinning me down forcing me
to crisp in the sun and watch the friends frolic happily
in the cool water not ecknowledging my torcher in the hot
sun just telling me to be patent and that my time will
come to swim in the cool waves. Ignoring the facts they
say I'll find love somday then they turn their backs and
dive in.
The Facts:
- I look twelve years old I will only attract pediphiles.
- My eye makes me look like a psychotic crack addict
- My childish mentality would drive any decent people away.
- I have never dated anyone I met at random I've always
been set up or they where friends first.

Miserably Yours,