A normal life....
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2010-04-22 03:35:14 (UTC)

I can't believe I did this...

Dear diary... I fucked up big time...

A friend of mine planned kind of a small party at my
house... just around 6 friends drinking.. watching a
movie... but two of the guys couldnt come... so it became
three girls and a guy... I didnt really care, main reason
why one didn't come is 'cause he was coming on the
condition of at least make out with me, so I immediatly
told him to fuck off..

I didnt want to have a party... I just wanted to have my
head on my studies for now but.... that had to happen..
and.. idiotme was in an horrible mood so as soon as I got
the beer on my hands I started drinking and drinking...
after around 3 litres I was drunk.... but then... gosh,
sorry, had to go throw up so I kinda lost my line of

Well.... all I remember is laughing loudly as a zombie kid
smashed a man's head against a car... then when I looked
again the credits were already on... then I got up because
somehow my piercing had fallen so I had to get back on
place... and when I came back the dude (completly forgot
his name) shouted: " HEY! No more beer... what else is
here? Im gonna mix it all! Who's in?" ... Idiot me was the
only one who had drunk enough to say yeah... well.. the
other two barely drank anything....

So... he mixed this bit of beer that was on my cup, with
bacardi and this two cheap wines.. I would have never even
thought of drinking those wines... they were there from
teh time my mum was a druggy, they were the kind that were
just pure alcohol with a bit of grapes... but.. anyway, I
drank two big cups of that, Im not even sure if anyone
else drank it, maybe I was the only one......

then the girls had to go away and I was left alone with
the guy so that he would take care of me.. my friend
trusted him since he is her boyfriend...

Well... anyway.. after that everything are flashes... my
vision started getting blurry.... I heard him say
something about reggae... I remember falling in front of
teh CDs shelf... I remember him laughing and asking if I
was fine.. I couldn't even read the names on the CDs so I
just put something random... then I remember he helpedme
up.. next thing I remember he was kissing me and I pushed
him off.. then everything went black... then I pushed him
off... black... pushed him off... then I remember feeling
a hand on my boob... and that's when I got angry and
pushed him off the sofa, grabbing my mobile and saying I
would call my mum to tell her I was going home ( to where
my grandma lives, right now I was at my mum's house)

I don't remember how I got home that well... I remember a
neighboor asking me if I was fine, but I don't even
remember he face, I couldn't see that well...

Then I remember being in my room and my mum saying: " She
finally stopped throwing up!! Better tidy everything up
before my mum gets here!"~

Then she tried to lie to my grandma saying it was the
pizza, but my grandma smelled my mouth... she was in
complete shock at the mix of all the alcohol she could
smell... she started aksing me a bunch of questions, being
really mean and shouting, she wanted to know who I was
with but I refused to tell her...

In the end she agreed to leave me alone, not telling my
school or dad and go make me some tea if I promised not to
do this again and going to see a terapist...

Then, after the blessed tea ( I love tea, drink at least
two cups of tea every day), I remembered I had violin
lesson.. I asked my mum what time did I get home and she
said it was around 7.30 p.m.. Last thing I remembered was
at 4 p.m when I thought I still had a hour before violin

I started freaking out, wondering if anything happened
because, if I had done anything more than kissing, I
wouldd seriously kill myself... I wouldnt be able to look
at my reflection in the mirror... I would throw up just by
hearing my name......

Well, freaking out while still pissed turned out to be
bad, since right now I noticed my nails are full of blood
and my leg trails of wounds because I was scratching
myself... I only started feeling the pain now that I got
more sober, I think that is what woke me up...

Of all my time home, the most I can remember is chatting
on msn and on the phone... I was talking to my BFF, I
remember her crying on the web.. she was really happy
because now that I said it while pissed she did believe I
cared about her... then I told her a bunch of secrets that
were supposed to remain secrets, stupid me..... XD after a
bunch of killing that guy promises, she had to go away at
around midnight... I fell on my bed and immediatly fell

Then I woke up at 3 a.m... at 3.30 I started noticing Lady
Gaga - Monster playing on the 'background'.. I had
forgotten the pc turned on... then at around 4 I got up
and came here to write in hopes of finally getting soem
sleep now... even though I don't want to go to school
tomorrow... I'm gonna have such an hangover... I can
already feel it...

I just wish I could erase yesterday......