FinallyWifey

Mixed Emotions
2010-04-21 17:13:27 (UTC)

DAY 4 OF TTC

So here we are, the days are passing and nothing is
happening. I feel as if my body is at a standstill and
doesnt know what to do. I am not on my period 12 days
late, I am not ovulating so how is anything suppose to
happen? I am so frustrated. I can definately see a
difference on the vitamins, not only is my pee highlighter
yellow, but my body as well. I am getting cramps in the
mornings, but nothing. Not sure if I am forcing ovulation
and my body isnt liking it, BUT i am not ovulating. Haha,
seems confusing I know. Especially if you have no idea
about ttc. TTC is a lifestyle, its like being a vegan or
OCD. It is becoming my addiction or disease. I need
someone who is in the same boat. I feel like I am in this
ttc nightmare. No one goes through this, or do they?? My
DH oh the sweet man I am married to is no longer a support
system. Nothing positive there. NOT to mention he doesnt
talk to me, seriously. I am that blind wife who has NO
idea what is going on. I sit day by day and have no idea
what is going on. Right now I am not even so worried about
the crazy things going on, I am more concerned with my
baby, the one God is going to bless me with... today would
be great. I feel as if I want it so bad that my life is
falling apart around me and I am ignoring it. I dont care
about it. It has got to the point where I didnt even cook
dinner last night, something I do every night.
My DH is "self employed" meaning he does own his own
company, but there is NO steady income. I do real estate.
So I have been begging him to just get a job, he whines
about this and that. WORK!! It is going to cost us around
$10k if for some reason we are not pregnant soon. He
doesnt understand that I dont care what debt we go into
for this. I am going to be pregnant by the end of this
year. whatever we go through, or my body is put through it
will happen. It is no longer an option.
I have the bestest friend ever who of course is a ray of
sunshine in this whole thing. I am lucky to have such a
great friend. I just need someone to talk to that has this
same problem, or obsession. Anyone? Someone who
understands the tears that fall each day and why they
fall. Just walking through a store I cry. Just a thought
and I am an emotional wreck.
Here comes the tears.. ohh yeah, I am officially
cancelling my ceremony tomorrow. I have people who have
already bought plane tickets, I feel horrible. But it just
doesnt make sense right now. :( my beautiful dress will
hang for a while longer.

Dear Heavenly Father, It is I, still waiting for my
blessing. My mind and body is open for this child, twins
would be awesome. In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!!




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