my thoughts

My Journey
2010-04-19 04:01:34 (UTC)

Sunday night

The weekend has come and gone again. Not that it matters
much at the present, not as much as it does when I'm
working. I just hope and pray I will get some much needed
alone time this week. I'm not sure as to what hubby's
plans are for working this week. I hope he goes back, one,
we need the money, two, I need some peace and quiet for a
few hours a day.

I'm still contemplating going back to work, regardless if
therapist says I can or not. I'm so tired of not having
any money, and I'm sick of fighting with the short term
disability company. If my nerves and physical pain can't
take it, oh well. I may just have to suck it up and learn
to live with it. And if it gets the best of me, well, I
guess then I won't be around anymore to have to deal with
it anymore. I know, piss poor attitude.

Daughter is now sick with crud going around too. She
thinks it may just be allergies like most of us around here
have had. My mom has it too. I talked to her on the phone
a couple of days ago and she sounded horrible too. I love
spring and summer but I could do without all this pollen.

I didn't do much today, again I have just felt too drained
to do anything. I was up late last night. We got home a
little before midnight after the races and I stayed up and
watched tv for a bit and then remembered I had a dvd I had
not watched yet so I stayed up and watched it. I went to
bed around 5 or so and then slept until a little after one,
and felt like double crap when I woke up. The dvd I have
is one I bought several months back. It's an old movie, 26
years old to be exact. But I bought it because HE told me
he loved that movie, its what makes him want to take me and
just run away to Mexico and stay there. Well, after
watching the movie, I just don't see it, but, oh well,
whatever floats your boat I guess. I thought it was a
pretty depressing movie myself, didn't end like I thought
it might, which is why it confuses me as to why the
thoughts about the whole Mexico thing.

I have to say I didn't really enjoy the races last night.
Not like I usually do. It was opening season and that
usually gets me pumped up, but last night it didn't. For
one thing it was so blooming cold. The air temp was a lot
cooler than it had been all last week and the wind was
horrible. It was too cold to enjoy anything. We actually
left before the races were over, even during the most
favorite race of the classes, but we just couldn't take the
cold anymore. And I didn't really have my mind on it too.
I was just grouchy, didn't feel good, along with my usual
aches and pains my stomach has been upside down the past
few days and I just wasn't into it. Maybe next week I'll
be more into it. We had also just visited his granny and
parents too and that can be exasperating in itself. Not
that they are bad people, they are actually good to me.
But his granny just suffered a really bad heart attack
while she was out of town visiting her son dying of cancer,
and now she's back at home. She's got family staying with
her around the clock, taking care of her as she's on oxygen
now and docs say it could happen again at any moment.
She's 86 years old, I guess her heart is just wore out.

I'm not sure how this week will play out. I'm not sure
what things I'm going to get accomplished but I'm going to
try to get some things in order. I'm going to try to see
how I will handle things on my own. I quit taking some of
my meds a few days ago, my orders, not the docs, and I want
to see if maybe I will feel a little better. I can't feel
much worse, or at least I don't think so. I still feel
really depressed, fatigued, not interested in doing
anything just like before, but now even worse because of
feeling so drained and out of sorts with myself. And I'm
not sure if I will hear from HIM this week because I don't
know if he will be able to get the email I sent him before
he gets back. And, I'm not sure what hubby's plans are and
I ABSOLUTELY can't take calls if he were to call. What a
mess that could turn into. until later..........




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