Crazy Boy

A Billion Little Pieces
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2010-04-18 18:47:08 (UTC)

One step away from living on the street!!

I am trying to stay focused. I feel I am a smart person.
Many people have asked me for advice and direction in the
past. I am finding with my life circumstances lately that
I can hardly function and think for myself, never mind
anyone else.

If it was not for my partner and his family I don't know
what I would do. I would be on the street begging. I was
living the good life. I had it all and now I have nothing!
Oh what a mess I have made of this life! Is there anyway
out of this abiss? I have sunk soooo low it's hard to
imagine making my way back up to a point where I can see
the light of hope. I need to find a way before I am on the
streets begging just to eat some food. I think of ending
it altogether at times. Yes suicide. My brother committed
suicide. My mother has tried a few times. Seems metal
illness or at least instability runs in the family. But I
really don't think I am mentally ill. Not yet at least.
But I think it is a possibility if I don't change my
thinking and my life soon.

I have been going over past bad experiences constantly. It
causes anxiety,fear,self pitty as well as feelings of
anger and resentment which I know are not good at all. The
idea is to live in the present moment as much as we can. I
am finding that very hard though. Keeping thoughts
positive and pushing out negative thoughts is very hard. I
must break the pattern I have developed. Apparently
meditation and yoga can help. I do know that keeping
myself busy in projects of anykind helps as well. Keeping
active and not laying in bed all day is one way to begin
to beat anxiety and depression. I have looked up certain
sites on line to help me to get into a better frame of
mind and move on in life. Positive affirmations apparently
when applied will be of help as well.

We will see where this takes me. I am a bit lost to say
the least!

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