my thoughts

My Journey
2010-04-15 01:18:43 (UTC)

just another Wednesday

Nothing exciting happened today. It was beautiful weather
again but I didn't feel like going out to enjoy it. I have
some sort of stomach bug along with this allergy crap that
seems to continue to hang on. It's early but I thought
I'd write while I had the chance. Hubby is home AGAIN, and
looks like he will probably be home again tomorrow too. But
he is napping at the moment and considering it is almost 9
p.m., he will probably be up late tonight, the time I spend
writing. So much for trying to get some alone time, huh?
Maybe I'll have an hour or so tomorrow, driving to and from
my therapy appointment. My appointment is at 11 in the
morning, and I want to be sure to wear my watch, because
please forbid that I keep her one second longer than
my "alloted" time. It probably won't last long tomorrow
anyway because I don't have much to talk about. I've got
things going on in my head, but I want to think of them
myself, not share these thoughts with anyone. I just need
to think them over for myself first, but I may eventually
let her in on some of it.

As I said, I haven't done much today, I felt to yucky.
Can't stay out of the bathroom long enough to do a whole
lot. I'm almost convinced that I won't need to worry about
putting out my garden. I've asked and asked for the past
two weeks to get started on it, and after FINALLY getting
it plowed and tilled, well, here we are, nothing in the
ground. I am so sick and tired of always having to do
things his way. I attempted to hoe out a row the other day
and of course it wasn't right. The row was "not in a
straight line" . He wants to get chalk and line first
to "mark off the rows". It's a damn garden for crying out
loud!! You know, dirt, bugs, a weed here and there. I'm
not planting it to take pics to try to win Better Homes and
Gardens lovely garden of the year award. I just want to
plant a couple of rows of beans,potatoes and corn!!! I
should be used to that by now. Most things are his way or
no way. Hell, I can't plant my flowers where I want them
without some sort of grief.

Yes, I am a little perturbed at him at the moment. I
realize that he, too, like me, suffers from degenerative
disc disease. But, he sits around and wines and cries
about for days asking me over and over what to do. I've
told him I don't know. If I knew, I would help myself while
I was at it. He honestly will sit and moan. I am not
kidding. Never mind I feel like doing the same most days,
along with my hip, knee, you know, all that other stuff,
but yet I am still supposed to get dinner, do laundry,
clean, do the grocery shopping, etc ect. Yeah, let me sit
on my duff and miss work so I can sit at home and literaly
moan all day. Even before all this started and the docs
put me off, I still went to work EVERYDAY, no matter how
bad I felt. And then came home and did all. Where is the
fairness in that??? When is it my turn to sit and expect
everything to be done for me??

Seems like I rant and complain a lot,doesnt' it? I know, I
do. And I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't feel like this
most days. And I do. You don't see much happy stuff
posted or me telling my happy thoughts. That's because
that is how I feel most of the time. I hardly have any joy
in my life. If I try to do things that make me happy, I
either don't do it right, or shouldn't be doing it because
I should be doing something else.

I'm going for now. My daughter posted something on FB
about having to make big decisions and I emailed her to see
what's going on with her. And, as usual, she hasn't
answered me back yet. You know, I get frustrated with her
sometimes. I stay out of her life and don't question and
lecture, she gets enough of that from her grandmother. I
don't call her during the week because I never know if
she's staying late at school because of coaching or if
she's at home grading papers. I don't bother her on the
weekends because she likes being with her fiance. She
comes to visit me on Sunday afternoons, and other than
that, that's about all I see or hear from her. It bothers
me because we used to be really close. Anyway, I rarely
email or call her. I posted on her wall to check her
email, now this was just six minutes after her post. Here
it is, almost three hours later, and she still hasn't
responded or answered my email.

But, whatever. I guess she's already gone off to do
something else. Now if her washer tears up, or her hair
dryer fries, or her tv goes klabooey, she's right on the
phone, freaking out, or getting a speeding ticket, she is
right on the phone, wanting me to "fix" it. What am I?? A
doormat? Okay, I'm off for now. Hubby is laying here on
the cough moaning and groaning now, so I'm sure it won't be
long before he needs me to get this or do that, or sit and
listen with a sympathetic ear for HOURS. So, my evening
is just about shot. Oh, and so far, I haven't heard back
from my reply I sent to HIM last night. Him and his mind
games anyway. until later..........




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