xXxsecretxXx

A normal life....
2010-04-12 00:33:14 (UTC)

What I learnt this past weeks...

It is getting late and I can not sleep. Everytime I think
the darkness is taking me away, a new thought is born and
as my mind thinks about it time and again, going over
every detail, more and more minutes pass without me being
able to rest.

I am drinking one of those teas that say on the package it
is good to help you sleep, but I still refuse to take any
pills. My mum took pills every night and I know where that
took her...

So, to help the tea, I decided to write down everything I
need to, in hopes I will be able to rest in peace then.

My worry to get some sleep is simply because tomorrow is
the first day of school after Easter and, having recieved
so many compliments on my grades, I do not wish to
disappoint anyone by being late on the first day.

Of course there seems to be thousands of obstacles in my
path to not disappoint anyone. The main one sbeing
insomnia, internet made promises that keep me away from my
studies, lack of important things I need to complete
school work and symptoms that started appearing showing
that I am probably starting to get sick, like the horrible
throat aches I am having, as if being stabbed by a
hundreds of needles repeatedly.

Now, to the things that happened during the hollidays.

Firstly,at the beggining, for three or more days, I am not
quite sure, I sank into terrible depression, to the point
I would lay in bed the whole day, being to sad to even
express through tears.

How I got over it so quickly is a mystery to even me... I
remember people always praying for others whom lives were
not at the best of times, so I tried praying, even though
I did not even have the strenght to leave my bed and kneel
down. Somehow, some minutes later, not sure if by divine
doing or simply my mind using the pray as the needed floor
to rise up from, I got up and went to the computer,
starting to chat happily with all my friends, a smile even
returning to my face.

After that, I went camping with my friend, something we
had previously planned. Those were the best moments of the
whole hollidays. Up in the moutains, where the air is
fresh, the sun bright and we can see rabbits happily
jumping around. It was so peaceful, everyone smiled and
trusted each other. I could have never imagined in my
craziest dreams a world like that, with no arguments and
fights.

You know, even though I am so young, my shoulders are as
tense as fourty year old's who is about to get fired and
whose wife just found a lover whom she wants to run away
with and he knows that very well.... and my hair also
falls as much as that fourty year old's. But it all went
away during my stay in the mountains.

Of course, it only lasted four days, after that, the
moment I stepped inside my house, I could hear the shouts,
I could touch the tension in the air, and my muscles
quickly tensed again, my hair falling to the point of
getting me scared, worrying about becoming bald in my
early teens. I shouldn't even ever get bald! I'm a girl
after all!

And, my hopes of chatting with my family, even having my
meals with them, not fighting, go shopping with them and
even have fun... were completly crushed over the first
five minutes. I just ran to my room and locked my self
there, on my pc, my face setin a frown.

And so, days passed and I didn't leave my house, I barely
left my room for more than 5 minutes!

The only time I actually left it, even though once again
drowning in sadness and not feeling like even leaving my
bed, was when I went to a concert.

I found some friends there and we talked the whole fiive
hours we were waiting for the band to come... after that I
actually had lots of fun, screaming the whole time and
singing along... this was a time I was actually thankful
for my grandmother and mother being always shoutting,
making me shout nonstop too, because I didn't stop
screaming for a second as loud as I could and, by the end
of the concert my voice was still completly fine... I
guess there really is a good side in everything... ne?

After that I found out it is hard to keep being my
friend... if we lose contact for a while, the person that
I before considered my best friend, is thrown away form my
heart and, even though for the first time it is easy to
get in, the second time it is almost back to get a place
in my heart again.

Thanks to that, right now I don't think I have anyone I
love. And no, I don't mean like: " Oh, my life sucks, I
hate the world!" kind of crap, my life is just as bad as
everyone else's and I don't hate anyone...

I simply.. don't have feelings enough for anyone, not to
hate them, just to dislike them a bit, and not to love
them, just to like them.

I like most people, some more than others but... the two
people that before were the ones I could say I truly
loved, one as a friend and the other as a father (even
thought he was just my mother's boyfriend), now mean
barely anything to me and there is really no one left to
love.

I tried going through everyone I know, I found some i
considered annoying even though I called them friends,
others that I would even cry if they died but... not even
one of them had a chance of me ever sacrifying my life for
them. None was important enough to make me change a
decision or take into consideration their feelings before
mine... non of them really mattered...

Well, I hope I will start loving someone again soon.. even
though it is a painful feeling, it is also a really nice
one...

What else did I find out? Oh! It turns out I'm more
responsible than most... I passed by the several stages
too quickly... I found things I only should have when I
was an adult, when I was around 6... I couldn't believe it
at first and wondered how naive people had to be to hold
such beliefs.. but it was proved to me that even though
there were people that even had sex at 14, they still had
those beliefs until the age 20 or something... weird...

But I wil not say what those things are, since they are
necessary and I do not want to crush anyone's crazy
dreams, if someone young reads this...

Well.. that isn't that important to my responsability, it
just helped me grow up... the real important things was
having to take care of my mum, myself and even her
boyfriend. Having to think and lie to save all our asses
lots of times, having witnessed first hand thingsno kid or
even adult should have to, having to be the responsible
adult since my mother's brain was burnt by drugs and she
started thinking like a girl on her early teens... and
lots of other stuff...

To the point where my rebelious stage, which in some
people lasts years, in me lasted two weeks, in which I got
pissed off my mind several times, threw parties when no
one was home and even did weed... after that I simply got
bored, luckily, and now think about my future, being
studies the main thing in my life and making me lose
interest in most things...

I really am glad things are like these, and now that I
look back at those two weeks of rebelion and at all the
teenagers and even adults that live liek that for years...
I wonder what the hell is in their heads? Do they think it
is freedom? Have they not realise freedom is simply an
illusion? i already tried knocking some sense into one's
head, but it proved being useless, as the answers I got
were in my opinion senseless: "I got make the most of it
while I'm stil young! Life doesn't last forever!" ...
making the most of it? They will have no future doing such
things and there won't even be memories left because tehy
were drunk or drugged most of the time! Gosh.... after
that I just gave up... Let them live in illusion and learn
the harsh way about life... I myself am still learning but
i do hope it does not take me as long as them to realise
the most obvious things...

Well...I am going to try to get some sleep now, even
though I feel like that will not be easy... at least I put
most of my thoughts into the form of words...




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