Dreamer

Thoughts, wishes & dreams
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2010-04-06 18:57:52 (UTC)

Wasted life?

Do you ever feel like you've wasted your life away? I
sometimes do. I don't feel like I've contributed much to
the world. I worked in a busy restaurant for almost 30
years so how did that benefit society? I was married at 19,
had our first son at 20, our second son at 22 and had twins
when I was 24 so I concentrated on being the best mother I
knew how to be at that time. They all grew to be wonderful
people and wonderful parents themselves and I'm proud of
that. We never had the problems so many others had with
their kids. None of them ever got into the drug scene or
got into trouble that ended them in jail. The worse thing
they ever did was get speeding tickets and only my sons had
those, my daughter has never had a ticket of any kind in
her life. So I'm very proud of them and feel we did a great
job raising them.
I've helped friends and family out over the years. I had a
girlfriend who got MS and I would go to her house everyday
and do therapy on her legs like I saw them do at the
hospital. I did that every day for over a year and believe
it or not she started walking again. I'm sure I helped her
achieve that and was happy to do it. I helped my neighbor
with her mom and grandmother often. I took care of another
neighbor who was dying of cancer. I made meals for her,
helped her bathe and did her shopping for her, and was
happy to do it. I took care of my grandma and grandpa until
he ended up in the nursing home. Even then though I went up
every single night to feed him and make sure they were
taking good care of him. I took grandma to do her shopping
and banking, I brought her laundry home and did that for
her among other things she needed done.

I took care of my mom and dad when they got to the point
that they needed help. I had the best parents in the world
and couldn't do enough for them. After mom died dad was my
constant companion. We went every where together!I took him
to all of his doctor appointments and would go in with him
just so I would know what the doctor wanted him to do.

Before all that I took care of my nephew for my sister. She
was a single mom and couldn't afford day care so I watched
him. I always called him my 5th child and that my sister
and I shared him. Then when my kids got married and had
children I help with them when they need it. Our oldest
grandson was born with several heart defects which was
devastating to us and I watched him so his mom could go to
school and his dad was at work. Later his parents got
divorced so my son and grandson moved in with us for
awhile. I know without a doubt that I had him more then his
mother did and I still see him more then she does. She sees
him about twice a year and has lived in the same town for
most of his life until a couple years ago. She never went
to his school activities and I never missed one. As a
result we are very close. Now we have 6 grandchildren and
I'll be there for each of them if and when they need me.

With all that (and I could go on) I still feel like I
haven't contributed much to the world. I feel like there's
something missing. I feel there is something else I need to
do but I don't know what that is. When I hear about a women
who was a teacher, a cop, was in the military I feel I'm
missing something. When I see a women who is a doctor and
saves lives I feel like such a failure. I just wish I knew
what it is I'm suppose to do. I have a very strong feeling
that there is something out there for me, something I'm
meant to do but I'm at a loss as to what that is. I guess
I'll know it when it happens but I wish it would hurry up
as I'm 63 now and getting at the age where things don't
come as easy as they use too.

Please God...give me a sign.


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