The Chronicles of Trouble
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2010-03-29 02:09:27 (UTC)

I miss him so much

Where do I begin? Work hasn't been too bad at all which
is a good thing and life in general has been pretty sweet.
Yesterday my boss let me go home early seeing the fact
that there was 21 of us starting the shift. He had no idea
where he wanted to place me so I said, "ok, well, I'll
just clock seeing as you're taking so long". He gave me a
smirk and then asked me if I wanted to go home? I thought
he was joking but fortunately he wasn't. It was sweet. I
just stayed for pre-shift and then clocked out at 8:15am.
I was sooo happy to go home because not only did I pretty
much get 3 days off, but I got to spend 2 of them with my
husband. It was fucking great.

Anyway, now, my title says "I miss him so much" and I do.
He and I were best friends since we were 8. We were
inseperable. It was good times. He didn't have many
friends so I always brought him along to the get togethers
I had with my friends. Needless to say, my friends thought
he was "clingy" and "annoying". They always said "no good
can come of it". Whatever. He came from a broken home; his
father was physically abusive and his mom was verbally
abusive, with the occasional beating. From what he would
tell me, I was the only person in his life that never let
him down and was perfect in anyway. He didn't like
drinking, smoking nor drugs. It wasn't his thing. Well, we
were 16 at the time, I had a boyfriend and pretty much
smoking pot, getting drunk and smoking cigarettes was my
thing. Don't get me wrong, I would drink around him from
time to time but I would never let myself get drunk.
One night, during a party I was already high and was
preparing my weed for another round not only for myself
but for a few other friends. I never told my best friend
that I started smoking weed because I didn't want to be
like every other person in his life. I had no idea he knew
where I was going to be since he hadn't called me all that
day. But David walked in with a crazy look in his eyes and
said, "put that shit away now". Before I could even react,
Stevie walked into the room. I froze, dead. I was breaking
up weed and there was a cigarette in between my lips. I
remember saying hi to him and all he said was, "what the
fuck are you doing?" Well, it was quite obvious but I was
nervous, so I snapped at him furiously. I yelled at him
that I didn't want to hear any of his shit because me
smoking weed didn't change anything at all. Right. He
walked a little closer and said to me, "really? because I
don't know this person before me. where's my best friend?"
I laughed, not knowing the damage that would cause and
then he said that he had only came by to tell me that he
was moving up North and he came to say goodbye to me. At
that point in time, I thought he was just saying that.
Like, reverse psychology or something. I turned my back on
him and told him to get the fuck over it. When I sat back
down, he was gone and all David said was, "I think you
fucked this one up". I ignored him, too.
I never called Stevie nor did I go and look for him. I
figured he'd pop up again but he never did. I was too
consumed with my friends, boyfriend/girlfriend and weed
that I didn't even notice MY OWN best friend wasn't around
anymore. It got to the point where I had totally forgotten
about him, as if, he never exsisted. It was crazy. And
like a miracle, a couple of months ago, 8 years later, he
found me. I had never felt so empty nor heartbroken than I
did when I was chatting with him on webcam. We're both
grown, you know? He is absolutely gorgeous. Why him and I
never hooked up back then, boggles me. I wish we had
because that day when I spoke to him again it was as if
there weren't 8 years with no contact. He made me feel
whole, he made me laugh, made me feel warm. I loved it.
The way he looked at me and smiled and then called me
beautiful made my heart melt. But when the convo turned
serious it made my stomach turn. I had severe butterflies.
We both teared when he asked me why I never called nor
looked for him after he left that night. I didn't have an
answer for him at all. I wanted to wrap my arms around his
neck, bury my face in his neck and just hold him. I had to
walk away from my laptop a few times so he wouldn't see me
cry. At one point, I moved away just so I was out of range
but where I could still see him and when I noticed those 2
tears run down his face and him rake his fingers through
his hair pulled me down. I was in love with him then and
apparently I was still in love with him. I had to tell him
I was married though after he said he was going to fly out
here to see me and so we could get married. I thought it
was adorable because I know he'd do it, but when I told
him someone had already asked his head fell into his
hands. He wasn't crying, but I wanted to. The convo ended
quite quickly after that but all he said that he was happy
to see my beautiful face and to know I am doing well. He
said he'd keep in touch and I barely talk to him. We never
exchanged numbers but I do chat with him on AIM every now
and then. Everytime he messages me, it's like the first
time. He's so upbeat and so optimistic; I love it. I just
wish he knew how I still feel about him.