Paradoxical Fortunes
2010-03-28 03:15:49 (UTC)


Dear Sam,

I haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours. It's the first time I've ever done
that. Wow. I don't know whether to be proud of myself or not. A little bit of
both is what I'm feeling right now. Proud that I can abstain from food for that
long. Ashamed that I'm even going down this path.

Don't worry, this has nothing to do with you. All right, it kind of does. A little.
But you don't need to feel guilty at all, this is all me right here. All me. It's just
more proof that I got even crazier after you left; but this isn't the good kind
of crazy, this is the me-screwed-up-in-the-head-for-REALZ kind of crazy.

You must be wondering, how does this have to do with me? Well, firstly, I
miss and think that I still possibly love you. Secondly, you go to a school with
girls who dance ballet. Put those two together, and what do I get? I need to
be skinny and perfect, like those girls in your pictures on Facebook.

You told me that "what's hot is healthy," and healthy, I am. But then why am I
so discontent with myself? I know society is influencing how I think in a bad
way, but it doesn't change the fact that I curse every bit of food that passes
through my lips. That I yearn for a perfect and unrealistic body. Is that what
you want? You say "what's hot is healthy," but does that mean that you'll see
me as hot?

So many unanswered questions. They'll never get answered. I should stop

I just want to be ready when for when you come. I want to look beautiful. I
want you to think I'm beautiful. I want you to see me, to run to me, to pick me
up off the ground and kiss me fully on the mouth, leaving me breathless. I
want you to carry me to my bed and lay me on it gently, to kiss me all over
and brush my skin with your fingers. I want to lose it all to you.

But that's just my fantasy. It will never happen. I'm probably just delusional,
pining after the idea of you. Well, not pining. Just wishing.

Maybe the reason why I hold on to you is because I'm so discontent here? I
am jealous that you left, that you got a chance to escape from the confines of
our tiny town. Goodness only knows that I've been trying to find someone to
give up to here, but nobody will have me. Maybe that's why I hold on to you,
is because nobody will have me. I offer what I think ever guy wants from a
girl, and yet nobody will have me.

Which leads back to my forming eating disorder. I can only assume that that's
why no guy wants me, is because I'm fat. But I'm not fat. I'm not as thin as I'd
like to be, but I'm not fat. I'm 5'3 1/2" and 122 lbs. And a 34 C. Am I fat? Is
there something I'm doing wrong? I've been walking everywhere all year with
my legs spread wide open, and yet nobody will have me. I must be ugly.

No. I'm not ugly. But there must be something wrong with me. Something. I
don't know what.

Every day I want you to come and save me from this hellhole.