hun-Mc

HMc
2010-03-28 00:57:20 (UTC)

Numb Mar. 27/10

Dear Diary,

I do find it easier to get by the day with people
around me. The hole in my soul numbs itself. I don't notice
the pain that loneliness leaves behind when I get to talk to
others, no matter how much they get on my nerves. It's not
companionship but its something. I don't see anything bad
coming from it. I told someone at work about it and she had
to remind me that I am still young in this world. I can't
help feel alone. I do know each moment that I don't find him
he slips away into eternity without me.

I did have another dream. I was hunting. The trees
surrounded me and i could smell easy game close by. I didn't
have a rifle or anything to shoot, only my hands. I seen him
for a brief moment. He moved too quickly for me to see him
in full. The blur I did see was a pale man who did have a
tan once before and dark brown maybe black hair. His clothes
were elegant, and usually not for running in.

I did take on an elk, tackled it. I remember being
covered in blood. Then I was in his arms. He was slightly
taller than me. It was that moment I was whole again. Then I
woke up, sad, depressed... the pain returned for a brief
moment when I remembered that i had to get up for work...
I'm starting to believe that the veil between dream and
reality is getting more opaque. The possible future I seen
for myself gets darker.

It's day two of trying not to think of "Mitch"... It's
going well I think, I could be in more pain than I am in
now. I keep reminiscing of the kiss that ruined it all. My
fault. I could possibly still being sleeping with him once a
week like I used to. He was once my drug. My addiction. I
had to stop myself from abusing it, him, much like I took
advantage of kissing him. I have no regrets. That situation
I got myself in had to stop, eventually. I should have
stopped the first time I started to develop feelings for
him, but I let it go on this far and I got hurt... not him.

Maybe that's the hole I feel. The slow ripping of my
soul... Who knows? I sure don't..




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