hun-Mc

HMc
2010-03-27 00:39:12 (UTC)

Alone-ness. March 26/10

Dear Diary,

I woke up alone again. The hole in my soul keeps
tearing open a little more at a time. I miss the one guy who
I'm not supposed to miss anymore, or at all. We are after
all just a fuck to each other. Every time I think about him
it hurts. It may be because he only numbed the pain and
filled the void to my soul for a short period of time.

I realized that the pain was bearable during the day,
but only if I was surrounded by people. It was hard today.
I'm alone in the house, in my room. I keep wondering why I
feel so alone when everyone around me loves me. Maybe my
depression is acting up right now, which is weird. I'm
usually craving sex when I'm depressed. I don't know if
anyone else knows what I go through on a daily basis.

I sometimes allude to how I really feel everyday at
work. It's exhausting to keep my inner self from coming out.
It could be because I like the one guy I'm not allowed to
admit it to. If I did it could and probably would tear me up
even more if I talked to him about it. He wouldn't want me,
except for sex. Somewhere deep down inside I knew that at
the beginning. It always happened like this. Brayden... He
was the third that didn't reciprocate my emotions towards
him. My first was in elementary, Rocky. He was the most
beautiful boy in class. He wasn't just handsome, but
beautiful. I loved the green eyes against his tanned skin
and his chestnut hair with sandy brown highlights. His teeth
sparkled that white smile. I knew what I felt for him was
wrong in those days. I would be ridiculed.

The second was Eric. I don't know why... perhaps it was
just so I had a place in high school. Then Brayden... I
still talk to him somewhat. I can't invite him anywhere
alone. I don't know why. I long for his embrace. His strong
masculine arms that remain at his side upsets me. Sometimes
when we go to the lake I just wish he would hold me by the
fire. Every time I smell campfire, trees and smoke, I am
whisked away to any memory of him.

Next we move onto Mi... Mitch. He's 'straight' or at
most, curious. We have fooled around for about 16 months
now. The more and more we fooled around the more intense it
got. I kissed him the last time we fooled around. That might
have sealed my fate with him. I will long for him until I
get over him and put the memory of him away for good.
Although it would be nice to just cuddle with him once. Or
to fuck him one last time, for closure.

I often wonder if I was somehow different if any of
these relationships would possibly work. Then I remember
that I wouldn't be who I was today.

Somehow I think that the Fates, or some higher power is
doing this to me as punishment for some odd thing. I just
know that I will never be able to meet the one who fills
this void. True love is passing me by each day, getting
further and further away. I know this to be true because no
one tells me any different. Not even the spirits tell me
anything about staying on track and trying to find him. If
they could only understand that my life isn't normal.

The psychic powers or whatever that a few of us humans
have doesn't make sense. Unless everything else in the
stories of old are in fact true. I don't even believe that I
can hear people sometimes. But I do thirst and crave. People
sometimes do smell appealing, but only when I truly am
starved or if i haven't had a bloody steak in a while.

If anyone does read this don't worry. I don't and won't
bite.




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