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2010-03-23 08:51:04 (UTC)

Absolutely everything: 3/22/10

I'm 19, and in college in Arizona. Originally, I'm from
out of state, but came here for school. I left behind
siblings, a niece, parents, amazing friends, and the boy i
was head over heels for. I've always been a person who
had a good amount of friends, and such an amazing group i
mean honestly, I can't say I've ever met better people, or
been closer to anyone than I was, and still am with them.
The first term at this school was amazing, I had an
absolute blast. I was doing well academically, i made
some great friends, and overall was loving being on my own
two feet and testing my independence to it's utmost
limits. Things took a downward turn before I headed home
for winter break when I got slipped a drug in a drink at a
party. I got extremely sick, and spent about 5 hours in
the hospital due to it (plus a large amount of alcohol).
This caused a pretty big rift and although temporary,
equally damaging effect on my relationship with my
mother. However I still had a great time with the rest of
my family and reconnecting/reuniting with the friends who
I'd realized I'd definitely taken for granted at school.
I thought I was so close and had such amazing
relationships with the new ppl at college...but after
having them in my life, and returning home to the people
i've known and loved basically my whole made me
realize how much closer I was to them. This made it
really difficult for me to go back to school in AZ because
all I wanted was to be closer to my friends and family at
home...but I wasn't about to just leave school. During
this term, I've drifted a lot fom one friend in particular
and it's made it really difficult because she was the one
i was closest to all of last term. It's been a hard
adjustment and I can't hardly be around her without
picking something apart anymore it seems like. I don't
know why it's happening, and I'm trying to stop it...but
it's hard for me. I'm not mean to her in any way, shape,
or form...I'm just not completely myself around her
anymore because she's changed a lot lately too due to the
infuence of another person we've all recently became
friends with. And because of this, I'm just not all that
into the activities she has been involved in, or the
lifestyle habits she's picked up/started pursuing.
Although those relationships are a little hindered, some
of them are still the same as they were last term, one
girl in particular...nothing has and probably ever will
change between me and her. I've also become pretty close
with another girl this term and it's helped because
hanging out with her (since she doesn't live near the rest
of us) has given me a bit of an escape route when i need
it...or just in general. It's like a breath of fresh air,
and just a joy to be around which is something I haven't
really had at all lately, so that helps. I think it's
been really hard lately too because i'm still not over the
guy i left back at home...and quite honestly feel like i
never will be. It may sound like this is just some naive
young love/false belief/overexaggeration...but it's really
not! I've tried to like/get close to other guys here and
no matter what, every single time i get somewhat close to
them at all I just compare and pick them apart. Because
none of them are, can be, or ever will be the one i want,
but yet can't have because he's thousands of miles away.
We broke it off when i left because neither of us wanted a
long distance relationship...however our relationship
didn't change, only the status/name of it did. We still
talked all day every day, and missed each other like
crazy. It was like we were still practically together,
and I loved it even though it broke my heart. I found out
eventually that he had cheated on me once and had fooled
around with the same girl shortly after i left. Each time
it was enhanced by alcohol...but I don't consider that an
excuse in any way. And although I should be furious with
him still, or want to move on (or perhaps should've
alreay), i can't bring myself to do any of those. I'm not
furious with him...just hurt. I can't EVER get him out of
my head (especially lately). I can't move on, and even if
i could (because i'm sure if i really did, then i could.
But i don't want to move on from him). I don't want
anyone else, i don't even want to think about anyone
else. When I'm sad and need a happy place...i think of
laying in his arms. I think of all my friends back at
home, and family too as they always help no matter what,
but he's really what i need. And I'd kill to be back
there with him. I don't know if he feels the same
way...we talk all the time and i know it's hard for both
of us because we talk about it, however i haven't talked
about how he feels or what feelings he has for me in a
long time. But as far as mine are concerned...i'm
undoubtedly still crazy for him. I miss the way he talks,
the way he laughs, the way he makes fun of me (in a
nice/teasing way), the way he looks at me and just smiles,
the way he kisses me, the warmth, the weird looks, the
late night conversations, random naps while listening to
music, movies, stargazing, eating, coffee, summer, hot
tubbing, swimming, and literally every other thing
imaginable. I feel like fate is real, and I hope that
what i feel is true and that fate will somehow take me
back there at some point in time, and despite how much he
hurt me before, i think i could manage to re-trust him and
let him in again. It'd be hard, but worth it in so many
ways. And i know he's learned his lesson too. It's all
so confusing, especially since i don't tell anyone how i
feel about him anymore, at all except my best friend from
home who is in California for school. Things are bad
lately, and so hard to deal with. I have a bad habit of
coping from the past, and i worked thru that problem in
therapy my senior year...but so often lately i feel like
doing it again. I refrain, because i know i don't need
to, and that it's bad. But it helps, even if just for
that split second while the pain should be occurring...but
doesn't. It's just a release, and escape...and i know
that's horrible, but i find myself so tempted lately. My
mother worries lately and tells my siblings to ask me if
i'm alright. She thinks i'm going to get into hard drugs
or something...but that isn't even slightly on my mind. I
never have and never plan on doing any. However about her
worrying that i'm depressed...i am. Idk if anyone will
read this at all, and i took a step by making it public
just in case ppl want to. If indeed someone does, i'd
love feedback, or just a person who i don't know what so
ever to talk to!

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