kefto00

My Thoughts
2010-03-23 08:20:11 (UTC)

29/07/09

I am sitting in music class, its 2:17 and Miss Ferguson is
away today. Over one side of the room Prue, Ellie and
Tigga are gossiping about the boys in their life, Emily
quirk is doing some music work. Maddy, Esther and Sophie
are doing their drama performances today and Sophie’s dad
died last Wednesday and I’m sitting in the music room
watching all of this happen and knowing that I really
don’t have it as bad as some of the girls have it.

I don’t know how soph has the strength to come back to
school, I don’t know how these girls can sit there and
sleep with every guy and then bitch about them and I don’t
understand how Emily can just study but still not get
anything out of it… and I don’t get why I am sitting here
by myself writing this, with nothing to talk to anyone
about.
My good old boring life with the pressure coming from
everyone and everywhere, where I am told to give up my
dream in a subtle way and aim for something less so that
it will break my fall, where I am expected to do one thing
with my life but am not sure really what my heart wants to
do, Where I have no other option but to follow the path
that has been created for me the path that I really don’t
want to go on. If I changed my path and made my own
decisions I would be judged by everyone and would let
everyone around me down.

I wrote the other day that I would rather die than be here
right now and I am still thinking that today, whenever I
see a little bit of something to live for there is always
something that pulls me back and makes me want to die and
leave the environment that I am living in today.
Underneath it all I don’t think anyone in my life knows
the way that I feel about myself and about the people
around me, it’s like I have a disease that I just cant
shake… that I really need help for but that I don’t want
at the same time.

I don’t want to delve into all of my problems and face all
of my fears because I think that will just break me down
even more than I already have been. So I ask myself… is it
better to live now and push through all the pain that I
have inside or is it better to just end this pain that I
am going through at the moment. There are so many things
that I lie to myself about… like Brendan molesting me not
hurting and the fact that my weight has a say in
everything I do, if I want it to or not. Not to mention me
lying about what I really want to do with my life, I don’t
want to sing, I am over singing and at the moment it is
the last thing that I want to do with my life… I hate
having these expectations on me and I hate knowing that I
am going to go and do something with my life that I don’t
even want to do.

Just because I have a natural talent in something it
doesn’t mean that I have to live my whole life doing it if
I don’t love it. So that is the dilemma of today. Another
day another one… well maybe just another way of explaining
it ha.ha
Well today is officially my last first day of my schooling
life… Day 1 of Term 3. I am so scared to finish school and
become independent and actually have to control the things
that go in my life, but in another light I am so exited
cause I can become my own person and make decisions that
are best for me not best for everyone around me, but one
thing I know is that I will miss Lara and Jo, they are the
2 most amazing people in my life.

They make me laugh and we can just be stupid shits
together but in the end if anyone one of us needed help
the other two would be there and I love them for it I love
that I can depend on Lara and Jo no matter what. I love
them so much xx


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