my thoughts

My Journey
2010-03-23 05:24:56 (UTC)

Not Sure 3/23/10

Okay, here I go again. I have started and stopped a diary
so many times I can't keep track. I don't think I can't
count that high. I really don't like keeping a diary
online however if I want to keep this private I really
don't have much choice. You see, my other diaries I had
were found and read. I didn't and don't like that very
much. These are thoughts that are in my head and if I had
wanted to share them with the person who read them I would
have handed them over to this person no questions asked.

So, anyway, to explain the title of this entry a little
more in detail, I'm not sure which direction my life is
headed (yet again). I am currently off from work due to
stress, anxiety,depression, anger and self-worth issues.
My doctor has put me off, so don't be sitting there reading
this thinking I'm on a wonderful vacation. I wish I were,
it probably would be a lot more fun than this hell I am
going through.

My life has been something a writer might have fun with so
far, but for now I won't go back that far. I'm sure I will
eventually. Right now I'm trying to figure out where I am
and what I'm doing.

I have suffered depression and anxiety all my life. My
insides have been on a roller coaster for a long long
time. But, after a not so good encounter at work one day,
last month to be exact, I think it was just the saying
of "it was the final straw that broke the camel's back".
This camel's back broke, no more bearing a ton of straw.

Anywho, to make a long story short for now, I went to my
primary doc who after examining me a couple of times over a
three week period, asked me if I have ever seen a
psyhiciatrist. No, I haven't. She assured me that I'm not
crazy. Yeah?? Really?? Then why the idea that I need to
see a shrink??? But, on the other hand, I do agree with
her reasoning on this. I have been on anti-depressants
for a little over 12 years (probably should have been on
them before then) and they just seem to work a year or two
at the most and then start wearing off. So, because of
this, and the fact that I was/am in pretty bad shape, she
feels I need to see "someone who is more medically trained
in that field". So, I went last week, talked with this doc
a little over an hour, and this doc wants me to take a
couple of meds and see a counselor for therapy. (I am out
of work on short term disability for the time being, as I
am having a VERY difficult time with concentrating, memory
loss, aggitation, etc, etc.) So, I have an appt with a
counselor next week and back to the shrink the week after
for lab work and God knows what else.

I have a beautiful daughter who graduated college last
year, top 10 percent of her class, and is now teaching. I
am married to my hubby of six years and live at home with
him and almost fifteen year old son (my stepson) and work
full time (when not off on disability). I have been out of
work previously on disability due to a car accident (I was
not at fault, I was hit head on) and after surgery to have
a titanium rod (to replace a shattered femur) and screws
put in hip and knee, recover from a concussion, whiplash,
anemia, blood clots two weeks later and months of physical
therapy to learn to walk again, I went back to work. This
has been almost eight years ago. Work has been pure hell
for the most part. Not my actual job, but the person who
is the "boss" and politics. So quit and find another job
you say. Believe me, I've tried. I've been on countless
interviews. Even had some offers. But, when the pay is a
third less and the benefits are half of what I have, I
would be crazy to leave. Yeah, yeah, so now I'm crazy
because I've stayed. Another one of those 'damned if I do
and damned if I don't' . We have already had two other
employees have to leave for mental reasons. I hate to be
a third, but, well, you never know.

Okay, that's all I'm writing for now. It feels really odd
to type my diary instead of writing it. I know me too well
and I'm sure I will write about my dull moments of high
school, my first love, my first husband, maybe even the
variety of personalities of former
boyfriends/lovers/companions, whatever the word for them is
nowadays. At first I decided to make this private. But
then I changed my mind. If there is anyone out there who
is going through what I am, then maybe you won't feel all
alone. Trust me, I know how that feels. And if you aren't
going through this, then maybe it will help you understand
a loved one a little better, help you give a little
compassion to them, not pity and not accusations. Til
next time :)




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