Samar

Internal Struggle
2010-03-10 21:21:44 (UTC)

Done Trying - Fed Up

Reply back to e-mail from Sally on March 10th, 2010
Regarding email below this one
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Trust me breaking up isn't always my first option. Laken ya
Sally my heart is breaking and any time I try to tell him,
he will use unhealthy communication skills, and instead of
addressing the issue I brought up. He wants to bring up a
hundred other things that are not related than say something
like I'm not happy here, or i'm not happy with how my life
is going.

I realize the fact that I'm doing well affects him, but I
don't know if that is the kind of person I want in my life.
I just thought I'd have a supportive husband, who is proud
of me. Not one that tries to put me down, I've had enough of
people putting me down. He is barley ever affectionate, I
always have to ask can you hold me, can I have a kiss, etc.
I don't even remember the last he just did something along
those lines without me asking.

I am starting to know who I'm, the good and the bad. I'm not
perfect, far from it, but no one is, but at least I admit my
flaws, and work on them. He doesn't want to realize anything
he does is wrong, even the glimpse of hope I had with him
starting to make the bed, now he says am only doing that so
I can avoid your problems! As if that is not something that
is wrong, or something that he should do. Plus what
problems? I never gave him problems about it, I just got
irritated and did it when I first got home.

I never thought I'd be in a situation like this, I don't
want my kids raised to learn uncleanliness, and for the boys
to think they are above the girls. Girls should clean and
the boys watch TV. I know what you want me to do ya Saloya,
I know you want me to think positive, and trust me I tried,
that is why I called him today. But at this point I'm just
so unmotivated and I don't know if this relationship will
survive if I'm not holding it together.

Rabana yakon fe al 3won. Just pray for us.

I hope your pregnancy is going well, hopefully it is easy??
Sorry to bore you with all this stuff, but I need to say it
to someone and I don't want to say it to him. Any h0w i
think it is just time for me to learn that some times you
have to live with people and everyone does their own thing,
though I just didn't want that kind of relationship. Where
we don't talk, and he does his thing and I do mine, but it
works for enas and mahmoud maybe it will work for me. But
anyways he has his week planned out so he rarely spends time
with me, and when he is home he watches TV. Even the day we
had planned out to spend together, he said jokingly am
calling in and just watched TV and I went to work out.
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Email to Saloya on March 10th, 2010

I haven't wrote to you in a while, probably should have. I
want to share with you how I feel, maybe you can say
something to help me. I was going to send an e-mail to
nasir, but I decided to first talk to you.. Or talk to
myself by writing this first.

If you love something, You must let it go, if it comes back
it is yours.

We have been on rocky grounds lately, me and Nasir. I was
upset about some things (i'll mention them later) but
yesterday we had a heated convo and he said he isn't happy
with how his life is, I asked him if he was done trying and
he said yes, so out of anger I said so am i.

I called him today because though I said I was done trying,
I wasn't so I was hoping we could resolve things. But his
words are like knives so sharp that whenever we speak I die
inside. So unsure of what to do, so I guess I start to
attack back.

You are probably wondering how it all started, before we
went to Minnesota, I asked for what I consider a simple
request. I asked Nasir to show me some love and respect in
general but especially around his family, I gave him
examples of how he is always poking fun of me, putting me
down, and how this isn't hurtful just because he does it but
how often it sparks some bad feelings inside me and
therefore hurts me more than he can understand.

I told him how I feel, in summary, I said though I have hurt
you in the past, that doesn't mean you say I forgive you but
you go around and treat me with zero respect. I told him
that he does it so much, that Ahmed (Lina's Husband), Mouiz,
and Talal have all showed concern. Things like, wow, does he
act like this at home too? Wow ya Samar, where do you get
the patience from? Ahmed once said man if I treated Lina
like that, she would be in Sudan in a heart beat.

So on our trip there, and on our way back. Same behavior,
starting with make sure you sit in the back so Jumana can
sit up front since she is pregnant.
Jumana said no, she wants to feed her son, and she will let
me know if she needs to sit upfront.
This made me upset because I felt that he doesn't care that
I had a headache, my back is been in tons of pain and last
thing I wanted was to sit next to Hamodi, who at any moment
will hit, throw things and scream. (at the end of the day i
sat up front because Jumana didn't want to)
than he made a remark like "al regal gwamon 3la al nasa" I
said nasir you realize that means they have a duty of taking
care of women, not that they are above women. and he said
yes yes but they are also above women and stronger than
women in everything. I said clarify, and of course he
couldn't say anything just said the same thing again.
when it was time to go to sleep, nazik said sorry guys laken
nasir you can sleep on the couch or otherwise take the
pillows and sleep on the floor. Wa Samar you can sleep with
Nasir or inside the room with his mom and sister.
I said oh its okay we'll sleep out here, we can just put out
the cushions and sleep. Than Nasir said oh no take her with
you, go sleep inside. Than Nazik just said oh I have a big
comforter we can move the table and you guys can sleep right
there. (I was just upset about how rude I felt he was)
Than we went to the mall, he just walked ahead with Nazik,
jumana, and his mom and just left me walking behind them.
(so I said am going upstairs to see what they have and I
just left I went got a massage, and bought his cousin a gift
for her new baby)
When we got in the car, I got in the driver seat, and said
hey I feel relaxed I'll drive back. Instead of saying thanks
or anything like that, he yelled at me and said no, we
didn't discuss this, 'what are you 'ragil' you just get in
the driver seat and say you are going to drive' NO. (All
this in front of his mom and sister) I tried to calm him
down and I said nasir you are tiered, I'll drive its okay.
He said No.. and got upset some more, so than his mom was
telling him she is just looking out for your best, she knows
your tiered etc. Its okay Samar, yalla get in the passenger
seat. I did of course.
I had a massive headache and I can't sleep without sleeping
pills, so I took two pills to go to sleep after I asked him
again if he wants me to drive, this time he said no, "unless
ente 7tasm3i kalami" so I said nasir don't talk to me like
that, you are not my dad. I was highly upset by this point
so I just went to bed.
His mom asked oh Samora ente ta3bina, I was half a sleep
half awake, before I could answer, he said no she took
sleeping pills so she goes to sleep.
Monday morning comes, I go to work. I get back home and he
made meat (not beef) so I can't eat with him. I asked him if
he was going to use the macaroni I made on Friday, he said
no, no, and than he made a very similar one. And he said I
told you the one you made, it made me a stomach ache. I was
upset but I said okay, am going to work out, when I was
leaving he seemed upset, so I said, do you not want me to go
work out. He said you never ask permission before you do
anything, just do whatever you want. I said no I'm asking
for your input now, tell me if you don't want me to go and I
won't. Lakeen that goes both ways, before you do something
you should consult with me as well. He yelled and said
NOOOOO it doesn't go both ways. I got upset and said alright
i'm going now, and I went to work out.

So this is sort of the background of everything. Today I
call him in hopes we get on better terms, and I'm trying to
tell him that everyone has flaws but we have to have better
way to communicate, etc. And he just says all these hurtful
things, like yea I'm going to 'arabike' because there are
tons of things that you do that are wrong. Instead of it
being a productive convo it just turned into attacks, back
and forth. At first I was trying to be nice, so I said nasir
there are things you do that are wrong as well, but I'm not
your "mom" and I don't try to force the right thing on you,
but instead I try to get you to do overtime, for example
like making up the bed, overtime you started to do it.

He said I only do that to avoid your problems. Than he said
you don't help me with anything! I said Nasir what do you
mean, I pay for everything for the apartment so you can
focus on paying down your debt and helping your family. And
he said no I don't mean financially lakeen at home, and I
said nasir I do the laundry both mine and yours, I put away
the laundry. I do the dishes every night. Than he said you
call what you do washing the dishes, you just put them in
the dish washer.

I said yes putting them in the dishwasher sanitizes them and
that is how I wash dishes. Just because you grew up with
people washing dishes in a different way doesn't make how i
do it wrong! Than he got upset and said respect yourself, we
don't want to talk about what kind of family you grew up
with.

At that point I just said Nasir I need to get back to work,
so I'll talk to you later. Ma3salama.

Saloya, am really upset, and I just feel that I need to let
this man go. I mean he is here, but he is completely not who
I fell in love with. I'm going into deep depression and just
really unhappy. I just don't feel I'll ever make him happy,
all he sees is the negative, he can't see nothing positive.
I think he should go back to his family and where he is
happy. Maybe overtime if it is meant to be, god will bring
him back. But I think time apart is needed for him to
recover from everything, I just don't think me being with
him is helping anything.




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