ddgirl

Moving Towards Faith: submissive musing
2010-03-22 01:46:25 (UTC)

One Big Day

Today was most definitey One Big Day.

Today I went to chruch for the first time in years and
rekindled and grew in my love for Christ like ever before.
I was also hurt by another person, which caused me to
question my faith and the recent decisions I have made to
follow God. As I said,
Big Day ;)

Regardless, I believe it was THE Day that God intended me
to have. It feels really good to be alive and pursing the
truth about our purpose on this planet. Even if I get hurt,
or confused, or scared...this is better than to live a life
going with the grain and never seeking. To be
exploring my purpose, growing, and developing a
relationship with God through Christ is more than what I
could ever ask for.

Ironically, no matter what seems to happen or how much hurt
I believe Christians have caused to me I keep coming back
to Christianity. I was driving in the car today and
thinking why God why can't I just leave you and your son
and get on with my life. Why can't I forsake you? So many
who say they have loved you have hurt me! I was mad at my
inability to leave God and touched by God's love for me
holding me close all at once.

Tonight the pastor spoke on faith and prayer (parts 3 & 4
of the alpha course). He spoke in detail about us "needing
to step out of the boat" like Peter. He discussed the
necessity of letting go of what your mind says because so
much of the "knowledge" of this world does not promote
faith. He also noted the importance of not worrying about
what others think.

One of my favorite quotes from the night was when the
pastor said " the more people you have telling you it isn't
God the greater the likelyhood that it is."

I loved how he alikened faith to "stepping out" as Peter
did. To an extent I feel like I have been stepping out a
lot later and am continuously trying to step out. When I
broke up with Adam I felt like I stepped out and in that
moment had faith that Christ would catch me....Regardless
of all else in my life, I truely heard Jesus tell me to
step out (aka break up) and that he would catch me on the
other side. Indeed it was him who gave me the abilitity to
jump...Thanks be to God.

The pastor said there must be "feet behind faith" meaning
faith must lead to action...Peter actually had to step off
the boat. Even though Peter fell for a moment, Jesus still
lifted him up. I feel that I leaped and that God is truely
tryin to pull me from the waters. The paster conculded by
talking about the risk elements to faith and how that is
true faith...knowing you can jump and that God will be
there to catch you (Indiana Jones style, only better).

Everyday I choose to follow Christ, to be like the robber
who embraced the kingdom of heaven on the cross, I am
stepping out into the water. How wonderful God is to catch
me so many times in spite of my failings, in spite of the
horrible things I have done, in spite of all of my
questioning of His goodness.

Perhaps tonight happened for a reason. My faith was
momentairly shaken by a leader of my alpha group. In that
moment all my fears about Christianity came back--I started
to believe it was a cruel and selfish religion for
narcisists who wanted to glorify themselves and call it God
(sad as that makes me to write). However, within a span of
about 20 minutes I couldn't believe I had even thought
this. As I drove home in the car I prayed to God to help me
see the man who hurt me as he did and with the same love
that he did. My faith was miraculiously restored...In some
ways to a place greater than where it was before. To know
that I can be shaked and come back feels good...and
solid...and safe. And to know that with God's help I could
grow in my ability to forgive others, moving in the
directions of God's forgiveness of us.

The pastor spoke a great deal tonight about prayer as well.
At first he prayer was two way communication between man
and his God. He then said "So when we pray are we praying
to Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit?" Then he gave his answer
which was "Yes." Pretty smart huh? He then changed his
definition of prayer to be "Four way communication with man
and his God." He told us that the important part of prayer
was to speak from our heart. He said not to worry if we are
right or wrong in what we say but to speak from our hearts
to God and also to listen to God in return.

My other favorite quote of the night was this, " What the
devil means for bad, God means for good." What a cool quote
and a testimony to God's timelessness, him omnioptence, and
his amazing power over all the universe, including the
devil.

I'm grateful for this day. I won't say it was entirely easy
but I am grateful to God nonetheless.




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